1. The bride will try to set you up with “someone cool” who is also “recently single” and “definitely not a psycho.”
But those brides are lying to you, so make sure to run like hell.
2. You’ll be forced to take wedding photos with other single friends, and you’ll rock the hell out of those.
3. You’ll be seated at the kids table.
4. Or a table crammed with fellow singles and the socially awkward.
5. A couple you just met will say the following: “Don’t worry, there’s still time to find your soulmate.”
6. You’ll pillage the open bar so you can forget that everyone’s slow dancing except you.
7. You’ll also drink some more so you can endure a forced slow dance with an adolescent cousin.
8. Someone will mistake the person you’re standing next to for a significant other, and then conversation will get awkward.
9. The couple who brought their kids will ask you to babysit while they slow dance.
Yay kids… :(
10. Couples at the reception will ask you things like, “So, when are you tying the knot?!”
11. Or they’ll shoot you a withering look and say, “There’s still hope for you!”
12. And, “You’re next in line!”
13. But when someone asks, “Whatever happened to [insert name of your ex here]? I liked them!” you’ll pull out the shotgun.
Just kidding, you won’t do this in reality. You’ll just fantasize about it while you have another slice of cake.
14. Everyone will shove you onto the dance floor to try and catch the flying bouquet.
15. But you’ll have to awkwardly shuffle off when the next slow song plays.
16. Otherwise, someone’s creepy uncle will get drunk and ask you to dance.
17. And you’ll have to feign a seizure just to get out of it.
18. The DJ will call “all the single ladies” to the floor, and you will dance the shit out of that Beyonce song.
19. But at the end of the wedding, just remember that your single self is the real winner in all of this.
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