1999 was a big year for me. I turned 14, was about to graduate the 8th grade, and snuck into my first R-rated movie: Cruel Intentions.
Prior to seeing this film, I didn’t know much about sex. I was, in the words of Kathryn (played by the incomparable Sarah Michelle Geller), “a fucking idiot,” just like Cecile.
In my defense, I went to Catholic school, and the closest thing to a sex talk my parents ever gave me was saying, “wait till marriage.” I had no clue what I was missing… But I think this was the only sex talk I ever needed, actually.
1. A handjob can be done with your hands, but also with other things…like your bum bum.
Weirdly sexy wiggle dance, for the win.
2. On that note, this is what blue balls look like.
3. Simulating a handjob on a tennis racket can be a confusingly sexy way to tell someone you’re DTF.
4. Practicing French kissing on your friends might be sexier than the real thing.
5. It’s totally OK* to say this to your unbelievably hot stepbrother.
*Only OK if he’s Ryan Phillippe.
Also OK to say this, if he needs more convincing.
Same rules apply as above.
6. If you’re not as sex savvy as Kathryn, making “quirky” faces is an effective mating ritual.
7. Double entendres should always be used as a way to end a phone call.
8. Oral sex is as easy as learning your ABCs!
Note: This is false advertising.
9. Even though I’m not a gay man, two sexy shirtless dudes in bed is still an effective turn on.
10. Slutting it up is the only way to go, basically.
11. Having an orgasm is pretty much the best thing ever.
12. Ryan Phillippe’s ass is everything. It’s just everything.
To this day, my face makes the exact same expression as Reese’s every time I see DAT ASS.
13. In fact, the only way I want to lose my virginity is if it’s to Ryan Phillippe…
14. While this song plays in the background.
- One person was killed and another was injured Friday in a shooting at Texas Southern University. Police have detained two possible suspects. ›
- A judge halted all eight scheduled executions in Arkansas. Inmates are challenging a law allowing the state to keep the source of its execution drugs a secret. ›
- The U.S. ended its $500 million program that trains and equips Syrian rebels in their fight against ISIS. ›