1. He’d definitely show up to your party in the best shirt ever created.
Resist the urge to ask if you can borrow it.
2. He would almost certainly BYOB.
Because he’s a fucking gentleman.
3. He’d pick out some righteous party tunes.
He’s an experienced music-listener.
4. His dance moves would most definitely get things going.
All kinds of things.
5. I’m sure he’d do his world famous dog impression if you asked nicely.
What a party trick!
6. Or his impression of a really nice guy.
You have to use your imagination.
7. If things got boring, he’d entertain your guests with the story about the time he broke his back jumping off a roof.
“On December 17, 2011, Anderson required surgery after fracturing his spine during a house party by jumping from his roof onto a beer pong table.” —The most epic Wikipedia entry of all time.
8. If you were lucky, he’d let you play with his pet dragon.
That’s not a euphemism.
9. And he’d probably let you try on his bear coat.
I mean, he let Conan try it on.
10. He’d have the beerballs to tell off that guy everyone secretly hates and get him to leave.
You’ve been wanting to say that for years, haven’t you?
11. Things would eventually get weird.
Which is EXACTLY what you had hoped for.
12. And everyone would be like, THIS IS THE BEST PARTY EVER.
WHO EVEN KNEW PARTIES COULD BE THIS FUN?
13. Right then, Blake would leave dripping in pussy.
Not that pussy, you perve. He’s married to a total babe.
14. And you would be like, Thank you, Blake Anderson, patron saint of boogy-downs.
This truly has been the best party ever.
- The U.S. will release Israeli spy Jonathan Pollard after 30 years. The move isn't tied to the Iran nuclear deal, American officials say.
- Joyce Mitchell, the prison worker who accused of helping two inmates escape from a New York prison, pleaded guilty and faces up to seven years in prison.
- The NFL has upheld Tom Brady's four-game suspension for his alleged involvement with the deflation of footballs 🏈