1. Your birthday cakes are always depressingly macabre.
Ah, yes. Another year older, another year closer to the grave. No, I’m not hyperventilating, I’m just so excited to eat this coffin cake.
2. And no one wants to have a slice because they’re trying to stay trim for their costumes.
C’mon, ONE SLICE won’t ruin your nurse getup.
3. People get bummed out when you throw a birthday party and it’s not a costume party.
Why can’t you guys just dress up as birthday party guests and we’ll both be happy?
4. You have to elbow through a mob of drunk zombies if you want to grab a quick birthday drink.
PSA to bars everywhere: Halloween is celebrated on the 31st of October.
5. There are images of death on everyone’s front lawns.
What do fake graveyards and birthdays have in common? They’re both a sick reminder that we’re all marching toward the great beyond. HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOL.
6. Your friends are always trying to pass off that Halloween thing they want to do as a special birthday activity.
“We’ll celebrate your birthday at the [Halloween dance party/haunted house/graveyard tour]!” — Your friend who really wants to go to the [Halloween dance party/haunted house/graveyard tour]
7. Unlike everyone else, you don’t start planning your costume on Oct. 1.
So your costumes are generally lame.
8. This is how the neighborhood kids decorate for your special day:
Just what I wanted on my birthday! To clean up after angsty suburban preteens!
9. Everyone wants to watch scary movies on the days leading up to Halloween.
Remember when you were a kid and you were kept awake the night before your birthday with restless excitement? It’s kind of like that, except you’re afraid ghosts are going to eat your face.
10. Everything is pumpkin flavored.
Maybe you like pumpkin. Or maybe you’re like this red panda and you HATE PUMPKIN.
11. If you have the unfortunate luck of being born on Halloween day, you spend the day confined to the house, answering the door.
People should be bringing you candy!
12. As a kid, you sometimes received Halloween decorations as birthday presents.
Maybe next year you can get me therapy!