197. Wet To Activate
(Episode 4-3)—Frank, no.
196. Ho Ho Horny
(Episode 2-9)—NO, Frank. BAD.
(Episode 3-1)—*Weeps softly* Why, Frank?
(Episode 1-9)—Maybe he has a lot of friends named Rodrick.
(Episode 6-6)—Absolutely not.
(Episode 6-7)—I said no.
190. Squeeze It
(Episode 1-15)—I’ll assume he means ketchup bottles.
(Episode 2-5)—Mine are frowning at this hat.
188. Shower Scene
(Episode 2-9)—As off-putting as the word “moist.”
186. High Score
(Episode 1-12)—The video game reference may be consistent with the essence of the character, but I crave more.
185. Arcade Champ
(Episode 1-4)—I don’t doubt it.
184. 1,000,000 Points
183. Acoustic Demo
(Episode 5-4)—This feels very unFrank. Very unFrank indeed.
182. Wide and Tight
(Episode 4-11)—What how.
(Episode 3-16)—I’ll be honest. I can’t read that hat. I think it says VHS, but some internet sources say it reads VWD, which is a hereditary bleeding disorder. Both are upsetting, so let’s move on.
179. Rescue Team
(Episode 2-13)—Yes, I am sure that trucker hats are standard-issue uniform for most emergency workers.
178. E.S.P. Tutor
(Episode 1-8)—If Frank’s oversized spectacles weren’t enough to indicate his extra-sensory intelligence, now he has a hat to prove it.
177. Kill Screen
(Episode 2-1)—Brb, renaming my punk band.
176. Coool As Ice
(Episode 1-16)—The third O! WHAT DOES IT MEAN?
175. Mystery Solver
(Episode 1-19)—Because the word “detective” is so overdone.
174. Alabama Legsweep
(Episode 1-20)—Let me guess, this is a sex move?
173. Tandem Alert
(Episode 5-18)—I’m just going to be real and admit that I don’t know what this is.
(Episode 4-5)—I like this hat as much as I like actual scanners.
(Episode 2-1)—Perhaps a great way to get free money from unsuspecting strangers, but who knows where they’ll insert it.
(Episode 2-2)—That’s the spirit.
(Episode 2-7)—Does he have a problem with someone or does he enjoy cow products? Does he have a problem with cow products?
167. Right Boot
(Episode 2-7)—If he doesn’t have a hat that says “Left Boot” I just don’t know what to do with myself.
166. Defcon 50
(Episode 4-17)—Sounds serious.
165. Phase 3
(Episode 3-9)—Much better than phases 1 and 2.
(Episode 6-5)—He is pretty twisted.
(Episode 7-3)—Perhaps he forgot how to spell?
162. Dot Matrix
(Episode 5-17)—Too techy for my liking.
161. Code Breaker
(Episode 5-16)—Not something you’d want to advertise on a hat, I would think?
159. Long and Twisted
(Episode 5-1)—iPhone ear buds! Volleyball nets in storage! A python with a sick mind!
158. Reverse Pendulum
(Episode 3-14)—Don’t get excited. It’s not physics, it’s a Ping-Pong serve.
156. Two Fare Zone
(Episode 3-13)—He clearly has expensive taste.
155. [Jumbled letters]
(Episode 3-11)—Jkgkljw vkja aklj awkjg ak aolnva aoweotu?
154. First Class
(Episode 4-6)—Somehow I’m not convinced.
153. Foley Artist
(Episode 3-6)—He specializes in human digestion sounds, I bet.
152. Bronx Golf Club
(Episode 3-6)—Ironic only because there’s no way Frank plays golf, not because the Bronx doesn’t have a golf course.
(Episode 2-8)—Mystifying wrestling jargon has no better place than on hats.
150. Long Pips
(Episode 4-1)—Long pips refer to the style of Ping-Pong paddle some players use to get more topspin, but doesn’t it sound like a venereal disease?
149. Last Shot First
(Episode 4-17)—Film school mumbo jumbo, I’m assuming.
148. Under the Bottom
(Episode 4-15)—Sounds low.
(Episode 2-8)—This is what Harvard students wear at graduation I heard.
146. Got It
(Episode 2-7)—Happens to the best of us. Don’t fret, Frankie.
145. Maintenance Required
(Episode 6-16)—Thank you for the fair warning.
(Episode 7-8)—Thank you for the fairer warning.
(Episode 3-17)—It’s like he’s naked.
(Episode 4-11)—For all of life’s mistakes.
140. Pound for Pound
139. Brain Masala
(Episode 7-1)—It’s a delicacy, just like Frank.
(Episode 4-12)—Subway. Busway. Frank’s way.
(Episode 4-8)—I still feel like I was too young to see IT.
(Episode 4-10)—Setting means everything with this one.
135. Game Changer
(Episode 3-17)—I like to imagine all he’s talking about here is that moment while playing video games where you have to stand up, walk over to the console, and put in a new game.
133. Drapes Carpet
132. In Training
(Episode 4-10)—Potty? Or bra?
131. Done Deal
(Episode 1-2)—Strong. Commanding. Confident. Am I talking about Frank or his hat? Honestly, you should know the answer to this.
130. Emotional Friend
(Episode 3-12)—Thank you for the warning, I will not bring up my recent breakup around you.
(Episode 3-19)—Who says Frank’s not in touch with his feminine side?
128. Laser Disc
(Episode 3-16)—Man, remember laser discs? They were like the love child of a vinyl record and and CD. Kitschy but lovable, not unlike Frank.
127. Kung Fu Beech
(Episode 1-8)—Beech, as in the tree? Beech, as in a purposeful misspelling of “beach”? Beech, as in a vaguely racist pronunciation of “bitch”? You’re a mystery, Mr. Rossitano.
126. Bigfoot Expert
(Episode 1-4)—Big shoes to fill.
125. Semi Legal
(Episode 7-4)—Those are the eyes of a man who’s done some fully legal things.
124. All the Way
(Episode 4-15)—He’s a man of commitment, you can see it on his face (or, you know, read it on his hat).
(Episode 7-11)—Can’t tell if this is genius or lazy.
121. Alien Knight Force
120. Snake Biter
119. Power Tool
(Episode 2-7)—There better be a gay bar with this name.
118. Dream Reader
(Episode 5-11)—I believe you can get me through the night.
117. Good Pieces
(Episode 4-20)—Let me guess: chicken thighs and breasts? Human thighs and breasts???
116. Promotional Consideration
(Episode 5-4)—Broke college kids, take note.
115. Your Ad Here
(Episode 7-12)—Seriously, this guy understands capitalism.
114. Man Scent
(Episode 5-12)—Seems a bit redundant.
113. Emoticon Illiterate
(Episode 6-15)— :(
112. Ninja Expert
(Episode 1-1)—The first time we lay eyes on this lovable meatball of a man he’s wearing this hat. Was he really a ninja expert? Anything was possible back then.
111. Bad Ranch
(Episode 6-18)—A dressing that’s gone bad or a wayward farm?
110. Wet Tacos
109. Alien Abductee
(Episode 3-2)—If people who were (“)abducted(“) were required to wear this hat, it would make choosing a seat on the subway much easier.
108. Lice Owner
(Episode 7-4)—Again, a very practical hat.
107. 1 Card Monte
(Episode 5-12)—There’s a game I could actually win.
106. Role Model
105. Night Chicks
(Episode 3-7)—A sequel to the Wayans brothers’ 2004 comedy White Chicks where the girls become prostitutes, I assume.
104. Butler School
(Episode 6-16)—More like BUTTler school, am I right?
103. Not Guilty
(Episode 4-2)—You can find me wearing this hat every time there’s an empty sleeve of Oreos in the garbage.
102. Van With Man
(Episode 5-23)—Very Yoda-esque sentence construction. I’ll allow it.
101. Deli Meat
(Episode 5-17)—Only Frank could make something so tasty sound so…coagulated.
100. Beef Ravioli
(Episode 1-18)—Is there any other kind of ravioli? There shouldn’t be.
99. Snow Ninja
(Episode 3-17)—He only fights snow.
(Episode 2-8)—Is there anything more perfect in the entire world?
97. Disco Fries
(Episode 4-1)—The pride of New Jersey and French fry enthusiasts everywhere.
(Episode 2-15)—The idea that someone would invent a robot to do things slower than humans can just tickles me.
95. Karate Sluts
(Episode 1-10)—We prefer the term “groupies.”
94. Force Field
(Episode 1-21)—A great hat to wear if you want to deter people from striking up a conversation with you.
93. UFO Cop
(Episode 1-14)—I wonder how many speed (of light) tickets he’s written.
92. Beef N Bean
(Episode 1-10)—What are things you put in a delicious burrito for 200, Alex.
(Episode 3-19)—This is the only type of fedora that should be allowed.
90. Atomic Super Kick
(Episode 1-18)—It sounds like an indie band’s side project or a film about backyard wrestling, and I dig both.
89. 1st Time Flosser
(Episode 7-5)—Logistically how many times can you wear this hat, though?
(Episode 2-5)—Literally on the edge of my seat when I read this hat.
87. Karate Hockey
(Episode 4-10)—The best hybrid sport since Frisbee golf.
86. I Tried
(Episode 4-9)—And this hat succeeded.
85. Sumo Dog
(Episode 2-14)—The imagery is TOO GOOD.
(Episode 2-14)—If you read this as “read” in the present tense, it’s a cool reminder to pick up a book and expand your brain. If you read this as “read” in the past tense, it sounds like it happened one time and Frank made a hat to commemorate the momentous event. Both are awesome.
83. Mason Storm
(Episode 4-12)—This is either a Steven Seagal character, a porn actress, or what happens when mason jars are on sale at Jo-Ann’s.
(Episode 1-11)—Who says Frank isn’t considerate? He’s wearing this hat for everyone born with anosmia.
81. Dial-Up Access
(Episode 4-13)—~ So0o ’90s ~
80. Low Oil
(Episode 6-16)—Very blue-collar fab. Or should I say, blue hoodie.
79. Tow Away Zone
(Episode 4-16)—The lowest of lows.
78. Free Parking
(Episode 4-16)—THE HIGHEST OF HIGHS!
(Episode 6-5)—I like this word better than “employee.”
76. Touch Down
75. Teenage Grandpa
(Episode 4-7)—Big, if true.
74. Closet Amish
(Episode 6-1)—Bigger, if true.
73. Pocket Dialer
(Episode 4-21)—So innocent yet so deeply disturbing.
72. Cream Sauce
(Episode 5-8)—Such upsetting imagery.
(Episode 4-22)—Subtlety is sooo 2011.
70. Bottom Feeder
(Episode 5-1)—This feels so right.
69. Hand Held
68. Joystick Master
(Episode 1-3)—*WINKS HARDER*
67. Handy Man
(Episode 2-7)—*WINKS SO HARD EYELIDS BLEED*
66. I Did It
(Episode 5-3)—Every toddler should own this hat.
65. Full Tank
(Episode 5-8)—I know that feel.
64. Karate Prom
(Episode 2-6)—If they don’t play “Everybody Was Kung Fu Fighting” by Carl Douglas on repeat for four hours, what are they even doing.
63. My First Hat
(Episode 5-17)—Everything about this is adorable.
62. Busy Signal
(Episode 5-19)—Wear this hat to family functions to avoid talking to your aunts.
61. Plumber College
(Episode 5-19)—You could probably find an ironic version of this hat at Urban Outfitters.
59. Feelin’ It
(Episode 3-9)—Feelin’ this HAT.
58. Extra Sausage
(Episode 1-3)—I am ignoring the obvious double entendre and assuming this guy enjoys meat pizzas as much as I do.
57. I’m Cool
(Episode 4-9)—The irony here is too good.
56. Pinball Mechanic
(Episode 3-9)—This is one of those times I’m not sure if Frank made that hat or if he got it at his old job.
(Episode 6-4)—In my America, this hat would be required uniform for every person who says high school is the best time of your life.
54. Flip Phone Owner
(Episode 6-5)—This is poetry.
(Episode 4-4)—Every mom should own this hat.
(Episode 5-1)—See above.
51. Nap Partner
(Episode 5-22)—Only Frank can make napping seem vaguely creepy.
(Episode 2-12)—Step 1: Wear this hat. Step 2: Make a very good point. Step 3: Lean back in chair and let the praise wash over you.
49. Liz Rocks
(Episode 1-17)—SHE TOTALLY DOES!
48. Be Cool Liz
(Episode 6-10)—But yeah, she could use a chill pill.
47. Over Easy
(Episode 1-8)—Maybe he likes his eggs runny, or maybe he’s done with floosy women. Both are cool.
46. Sort of Loaded
(Episode 4-16)—Completely tipsy < sort of loaded.
45. Partial Foods
(Episode 6-4)—Still edible in my book.
44. Spaceship Owner
(Episode 4-2)—This is a subtle way to call oneself an alien and I dig it.
(Episode 6-10)—Such a gentle-sounding word for such a devastating wrestling move.
42. Dorm Food
(Episode 6-12)—I love you, I hate you, I love you, I hate you.
41. VHS Repairer
(Episode 6-14)—~ Vintage ~
40. Hookie Mentor
(Episode 6-20)—Where do I sign up?
(Episode 6-21)—That’s very reassuring.
38. Freshly Bathed
(Episode 7-3)—Also very reassuring.
37. Time Travel Agent
(Episode 1-16)—Just the right amount of whimsy.
36. Intestinal Fortitude
(Episode 4-13)—We could all use a little more of this in our lives.
35. Going Stron
(Episode 7-7)—I see what you did there.
34. Average Voltage
(Episode 6-19)—I see what you did there.
33. Punch Ball
(Episode 7-2)—I see what you did there.
(Episode 4-6)—.ereht did uoy tahw ees I
31. Regional Dishonor Society
(Episode 5-15)—I am still seeing what you did there.
30. Straining Order
(Episode 5-13)—I am continuing to see what you did there.
29. Crop Octagon
(Episode 3-20)—Yes, still seeing it. You take a phrase and change a word to flip said phrase on its head.
28. Atlantis Lifeguard
(Episode 2-8)—It’s an effective form of comedy.
27. Former Cyclops
(Episode 3-1)—Which you have obviously mastered.
26. Trap Do_r
(Episode 2-13)—We fully appreciate your sense of humor.
25. Bahama Trapezoid
(Episode 1-19)—Still seeing it.
(Episode 3-13)—Still seeing it.
23. Speling Expirt
(Episode 2-14)—Seeing it and appreciating it.
22. Half Centaur
(Episode 2-5)—OK, last one! Great job, everyone. Way to hang in there!
21. Shark Cop
(Episode 4-6)—He takes a bite out of crime.
20. Space Karate
(Episode 4-19)—Where no one can hear you “hi-yah.”
18. Panic Dream
(Episode 7-11)—I related to this on a personal level, tbh.
17. Night Beast
(Episode 4-11)—It hungers in the dark, not unlike drunk-me.
16. Mash Potatoes
(Episode 1-18)—I read this as a command. MASH potatoes! MASH THEM!
15. Food Coma
(Episode 5-18)—I think we can all agree this is the best kind of coma.
14. Push For Cheese
(Episode 6-20)—Yes to cheese. No to cheese coming out of humans.
13. Extra Cheese
(Episode 1-13)—Write this on my tombstone.
12. Cheese Gravy
(Episode 5-12)—The only thing that could make Thanksgiving even more awesome than it currently is.
11. Cheese Soup
(Episode 7-8)—Pour it directly down my throat, please and thank you.
(Episode 7-13)—This is the last hat Frank ever wore! What a beautiful, concise ending to very long hat saga.
9. Space Gravy
(Episode 3-19)—I don’t know what it means, but I absolutely love it.
8. Free Zits
(Episode 7-2)—Gross. But so fitting!
7. Monster Truck Wrestling
(Episode 4-17)—Ten out of ten would pay big bucks to see.
6. Taco Robot
(Episode 7-12)—A robot that makes tacos or a taco-shaped robot? Write the script, Frank, I gotta know more.
5. Hug Stain
(Episode 7-10)—Only Frank could make hugs a regrettable, greasy mess. And that’s why this hat is so successful.
4. Volunteer Pilot
(Episode 6-2)—Terrifying, but I love it. Like riding a roller coaster or when you purposely overdraw your bank account.
3. Field Hockey
(Episode 2-4)—This hat is art. Tell me you don’t feel emotions when you gaze upon this hat and I will call you a liar, sir.
2. Sitting Ovation
(Episode 5-21)—When you want to say, “I appreciate you, but I also appreciate how comfortable this chair is.”
1. Casual Flosser
(Episode 5-22)—Casual flosser? You mean HUMAN BEING? This hat is me. This hat is you. This hat is all of us.