1. First of all: WHERE EVEN AM I?
What is this tropical wonderland of joy? Why is it so spacious? Why is no one mad at me for existing?
2. Why can’t I find a bagel place that’s not a chain restaurant?
And why aren’t you putting the cream cheese on for me? What do I look like, a cream cheese CHUMP?
3. How am I going to get home from after-work drinks?
Seriously, does this rental car have autopilot?
4. How in god’s green earth is this a “deep dish pizza”?
Am I supposed to eat it or use it to soak up my tears?
5. How have I managed to eat a burrito for every meal today?
And how come I’m fine with it?!
6. Why is everyone wearing a coat in 65 degree weather?
Is this a joke? It’s a joke, right? You’re making fun of us or something. Ha-ha-ha.
7. How come no one told me palm trees are so goddamn tall?
Are we all just ok with this? They’re HUGE.
8. Why is everyone wearing yoga pants but never doing yoga?
Am I just to assume you all came to this bar straight from your yoga classes?
9. Are people seriously using umbrellas in FOG?
I get that the air is a little moist, but it’s not even raining! Rain is when water falls from the sky and soaks through your socks and ruins your day, if you weren’t sure.
10. Why does everything come with a salad?
And what does LA have against french fries? Fries are just like a salad except they taste good.
11. Why is everyone drinking green goop?
And why is it so…sticky.
12. Does anyone here understand the functionality of a scarf?
Hint: it’s for keeping your neck warm, so if you’re wearing a t-shirt, you probably don’t need a scarf.
13. Are you guys for serious with this jaywalking nonsense?
Listen, I’m going to walk out in the middle of traffic like I own the place and there’s nothing your disapproving looks and blaring car horns can do to deter me.
14. Does literally everyone skate?
I’m pretty sure I saw a toddler in a diaper shredding at Venice.
15. Is it state mandated that every grandma has to wear a tracksuit?
I mean they DO look fly. But how much running are they really doing?
16. How come everyone I meet is either a writer, an actor, or both?
And why is their office a Starbucks?
17. When are you guys getting a subway?
Or do you derive some kind of sick sadistic pleasure from traffic? Ya freaks.
18. Is it ever not perfect out?
How am I supposed to work all day when there is glorious, shimmering SUN out there? HOW?
19. Why do I still live in New York?
Just mail me all the bagels and pizza that can fit into one box and this place would paradise.