1. The Destiny’s Child:
Michael Phelps has 18 gold medals, but how many Beyoncés does he have? Exactly.
2. Fast food menu items:
2nd: chicken sandwich
3rd: fish sandwich
Well we have to do something with all those leftover fish sandwiches no one is ordering.
3. The trio from Harry Potter:
Look how bummed that dude is that he got Ron place.
4. Neapolitan ice cream:
Now when they do that corny medal-bite thing they’ll at least get a tasty treat.
5. The Kardashian sisters:
In a way, they’re all bronze.
6. Lord of the Rings movies:
1st: The Return of the King
2nd: The Fellowship of the Ring
3rd: The Two Towers
These are not presented chronologically but by how many times you can watch them in a row before getting bored. Don’t fight me on this, I spent my entire middle school career testing and confirming this order.
7. The modern Charlie’s Angels:
Are you a winner or a Liu-ser? Trick question. You’re both.
8. M&M flavors:
Who even eats pretzel M&Ms? The same guy who’d place third in a Olympic competition, that’s who.
9. The Sanderson sisters from Hocus Pocus:
“Bette Midler is gold!” — a fictitious movie review AND the new reality we will all live in.
People would throw down for waffle fries. Records would break for ‘em. A new level of human being would be achieved.
11. ’90s era Lawrence brothers:
This one ranked by hair, obvi.
1st: extra extra cheese
2nd: extra cheese
Really everyone’s a winner here. Isn’t that what the Olympics is all about?