Everything In The Amazon Rainforest Wants To Kill You

So maybe don’t go there.

1. You’ve most likely heard of this place called the Amazon.

Brent Stirton / Getty Images

If you haven’t heard of it, I don’t recommend Googling it—it’ll take you to a place that is dangerous for different reasons.

2. The Amazon is a rainforest in South America and it’s big enough to be its own country.

Can you imagine how awesome the election for President of the Amazon would be? Jaguars running against monkeys and shit? And you thought American politics were cut-throat.

3. The animals that live there are equal parts flamboyant and spectacular.

Blue-and-yellow Macaw

Ian Waldie / Getty Images

Golden Lion Tamarin

Flickr: 31563480@N00

Cardinal tetra

Flickr: 99357189@N00

 

They make drag queens look like they’re going to church on Easter Sunday.

4. Don’t let that fool you, though. Most of them would MURDER you in the FACE if given the chance. Like the jaguar.

headlikeanorange.tumblr.com / Via Wild Amazon - NGC

That’s the steely-eyed stare of a cat whose done some thangs he’s not proud of.

5. Or the green anaconda, which slithers around the Amazon waiting to pop you like a zit.

And then it swallows your corpse in one bite, which is as scary as it is RUDE. At least chew my corpse.

6. But the real mayor of Nightmareville is the black caiman, the Amazon’s largest predator.

This flesh-hungry croc is basically just a dinosaur that never got the extinction memo.

7. Because the Amazon is full of oversized bullies, smaller creatures had to evolve to stay on their toes.

 

This monkey-fish has been known to leap out of the water and take down small birds, because fuck you, he’s hungry.

8. Poison dart frogs may be the size of a button and just as cute, but they’ll KILL a bitch with no remorse.

 

The most deadly of the dart frogs is the Golden Poison Frog, which secretes enough poison to stop the hearts of 20 men (or 10,000 mice, according to Wikipedia. I feel bad for whoever had to fact-check that last bit).

9. Seriously, even the PLANTS in the Amazon would love the chance to end you.

This curare plant paralyzes your respiratory system but keeps your heart beating so that you suffocate to death while staying conscious until the last seconds. That’s some serious Saw shit.

10. The craziest part is scientists estimate that a new species is discovered every three days in the Amazon.

So it’s really anyone’s guess what other toothy, clawy, poisony deathbeast is just chilling in there, waiting to gobble you up.

11. Basically, the Amazon is the original Thunderdome, but with less places to hide.

Just thangs killin’ thangs left, right, and backwards.

12. And despite all of this, PEOPLE LIVE THERE.

Remember that time you saw a spider in your apartment and you thought, “This is too much nature”? This guy WISHES all he had in his house were spiders.

13. So anytime you think your life is hard, just remember there’s a 4-year-old child whose neighbor is a frickin’ puma.

And he couldn’t give a fuck about it, honestly.

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