1. You probably already know that bears hibernate during the winter months, thanks to cartoons and toilet paper commercials.
**The above is a dramatic reenactment.**
2. But have you ever wondered what happens to bears’ BUTTS when they’re asleep for months on end?
6. To avoid soiling themselves while they hibernate, bears actually DO plug their butts (!!!), because nature has no rules apparently.
^ This little guy isn’t so cute anymore, is he?
7. But instead of plugging UP their butts, the plug — called a tappen or fecal plug — forms internally with what can only be described as pure witchcraft.
“My butt’s all plugged up and I’m ready to sleep for five months, how you doin’?”
8. Right before hibernation, the bear enjoys a final meal of bark, pinecone, and its own hair.
Hope there’s room for two at this feast because I am staaarving.
9. With help from the bear’s decreased metabolism, the fibrous material lodges in the bear’s butt, forming a plug.
Nothing gets in, nothing gets out. It’s like L.A. traffic up in there.
10. When spring rolls around, the bear passes the plug and probably regrets his entire life.
It’s apparently very painful, although no bears have been interviewed directly.
11. At this point, you’re probably morbidly curious what a bear butt plug looks like, so I’ll spare your search history:
Congrats, you’re a different person now.