[Editor’s note: All of these sports* are dangerous, even when executed by trained (sober) professionals. Don’t drink and sport.]
*Except maybe curling. No offense, curling.
11. Cross-country skiing
There is nothing a drunk person wants less than to move his or her body over incredibly long (and cold) distances. Or short distances, if we’re being honest here. Even a free Taco Bell with a hot tubs for booths at the end of the track wouldn’t be enough motivation for a drunk-o to consider this sport fun.
10. Ski jumping
There is about a -1% you’re going to land this ski jump sober, let alone after a few drinks. Might as well post up at the top, crack a brew, and enjoy the view while you try to grow the beer-balls it’ll take just to walk back down the stairs.
Guns are bad. Put that down, drunkie.
8. Ice hockey
Alcohol-fueled aggression and hockey-fueled aggression would most likely combine to create a new superhuman form of aggression that ends with hockey sticks inserted into body holes.
7. Snowboard cross
Sliding on your butt down a mountain with a snowboard strapped to your feet will be moderately entertaining until the next morning when you wake up acutely aware of what your coccyx bone is.
6. Half pipe
The walls of the half pipe are like bumpers on a bowling lane and you are the ball, my drunk friend. You are the ball.
Curling is a drinking game. It has to be. It looks like the icy version of shuffleboard, which grandpas play on cruise ships while sipping margaritas. It has all the elements of a great drunk-activity: friendly competition, teamwork, potentially hilarious slips on ice, and the cathartic THWAP of two huge rocks colliding. But it lacks that thrill-factor drunkies crave. I don’t know, maybe if there were more fire involved…
I think we can all agree drunkenly sledding down a giant ice slide sounds like the best Friday night ever. But skeleton is executed face-first, meaning there’s a pretty good chance your big drunk head is going to make friends with those metal walls. Hangovers are bad enough without a side of concussion.
3. Ice skating
It’s a scientific fact that drinking makes dancing more fun, and what is an ice skating rink but a giant, slippery dance floor? The best part is if you fall, the ice will begin healing your injuries instantly so you can get right back to dancing. “You’re sooo good at this,” beer whispers seductively in your ear. What’s that beer? I can’t hear you over my amazing moves.
All the fun of skeleton, but with less head-to-wall contact. Still body-to-wall contact, though. But what good is a body anyway? All you need is a mouth so you can drink more beer.
If ever there were an Olympic sport created for drunk people, it’s bobsled. You and your drinking buddy get to squeeze into a tricked-out bumper car and rocket down an ice chute, most likely laughing your little faces off until you puke into your helmet. It’s a drunkard’s dream!