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Adrian Peterson Is Fast, The Giants Are Done, And Detroit Scores The Oddest Touchdown

All the important takeaways from the NFL’s Week 4 games so far.

1. A Rushing TD, For Old Times’ Sake

This Le’Veon Bell flip-and-dive into the end zone was the Steelers’ first rushing TD since Week 15 of last season. They still lost. Jerome Bettis isn’t driving a bus through that door.

2. Adrian Peterson Will Run Across The Atlantic If We Allow Him

Down and out in London, Pittsburgh is now 0-4 for the first time since 1968. This is why.

3. Hali To The Chiefs

After a defense- and special teams-driven 31-7 home win over the Giants, the 4-0 Kansas City Chiefs now have a (historically speaking) 82% chance of making the playoffs this year. Just let that sink in, will ya?

4. They Might Be Terrible

At 0-4 for the first time since 1987, Eli Manning and the New York Giants are in serious, serious trouble. Like, it’s real bad now. As in, try to think of a really bad scenario. … OK, it’s worse than that. Really!

5. Matthew Stafford Scores On The “Pass” From Matthew Stafford

This play technically goes down as a 1-yard rushing touchdown for the Lions QB, but it’s more fun to think of it as the elusive self-pass at the goal line. Detroit won the game, 40-32, so good thing he kept his eye on this particular ball.

6. FAT GUY TOUCHDOWN, Briefly

Nick Fairley didn’t have to go far to score after scooping up this Jay Cutler fumble of a Ndamukong Suh strip. (Good thing, too.) (Because he’s QUITE LARGE.)

7. Everything’s Bigger In Texas

This is a preposterously large flag a Texans employee holds while running the length of the field. Maybe Houston should’ve concentrated more on their overtime offense than manufacturing their preposterously large flags? They lost 23-20 to the Seahawks after two OT drives failed to earn them so much as an attempted field goal.

8. Bombs Over Buffalo

E.J. Manuel’s right arm is not something to be trifled with. It is a lethal weapon that can throw a football 50 yards on the fly. Five Joe Flacco interceptions also went a considerable way toward the Bills’ 23-20 upset over the Baltimores.

9. Pete Carroll Be Boundin’

After going down 20-3 in Houston, Pete Carroll’s Seahawks came back strong, and he was SO HAPPY when Steven Hauschka’s 45-yarder sealed the deal. Carroll loves nothing more than a victorious strut walk, and he was in top form during this game.

10. The Titans Simply Won’t Be Stopped

Not by the Jets, who lost 38-13. And certainly not by this poor field judge, who got steamrolled by Nate Washington.

Unfortunately for the Titans, QB Jake Locker went down with what looked to be a serious hip injury, Ryan Fitzpatrick relieved him and Locker gave a thumbs-up while on the medical cart, but this doesn’t look good for Tennessee.

12. Laces Out, Billy!

Billy Cundiff pulled this knuckler of a 37-yard field-goal attempt wide left, though it didn’t matter so much with defense like this stuff below on 4th and short in the red zone. Cleveland won, 17-6, in an upset.

14. A Gleeful Time In Oakland

Glee’s Naya Rivera was bubbling over with Raider pride when her brother Mychal, a tight end for Oakland, scored his first career TD to put his team up by 14 in the first quarter.

15. The First One’s A Freebie, Rivers

Philip Rivers keeps forgetting himself. Last week, he thought he was a kicker. This week, he absentmindedly bumped into referee Ed Hochuli, who could crush him into a fine powder with one bicep. This time, though, he let it slide. (This time … )

16. Peyton Manning Is Very Talented, Part Infinity Plus Infinity

Manning threw at least four touchdowns for the NFL-record 24th time in his career, and the Broncos steamrolled over the Eagles in Denver. He now has 16 TDs and no picks through four games. (That Jaguars game in two weeks is looking mighty fun right now.)

17. Right Place, Right Time: The Donte Whitner Story

The 49ers got back on track last Thursday night with a much-needed win against the Rams in St. Louis. The defense held the Rams to 11 and only had one pick — but it was so pretty.

18. Rock, Paper, Scissors, Touchdown

Knowshon Moreno (78 rushing yards) will score on you and then beat you in rock-paper-scissors. This is a true fact.

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