1. Pit stains
You know the moment when you lift your arm in a restaurant so you can gesticulate at the waiter who’s carefully avoiding you? And then you check yourself only to realise that you’re displaying your bodily functions to the world. Yeah, it’s nasty (and probably why the staff are avoiding you). Fortunately, you’ve got an excuse when the thermometer reads “too hot to handle.”
2. Spilling on yourself
You specifically wore that lovely white shirt out because you wanted to reflect the heat, not absorb it. But then you went out for a creamy tomato pasta and promptly spilled it on yourself. Or, worse, you tried quite hard to get that pint to your mouth, but you just missed. You’re suddenly stuck trying to cover your incompetence and questioning whether you should cut the night short. Not to worry though. You can blame it on the heat – after all, you were desperate for that beer and you’ve been feeling a bit dizzy and uncoordinated from the onset of heat exhaustion, right?
3. Exposed g-strings
Now, this is mainly an embarrassment for women, but I don’t want to discriminate. After all, if it’s that warm, you seriously want to be wearing as little as possible. And it’s not just a little line above your waistband that’s at stake here either. Those white linen pants you’re wearing can very easily expose your favourite purple leopard print panties as you start to perspire. If worse comes to worse, you can always claim that your laundry simply couldn’t dry in the steaming warmth of the week.
4. Raccoon eyes
Once again, I assume it’s mainly the ladies who have makeup dripping off their faces in the middle of summer, but sometimes the gentlemen of the world are desperately trying to cover their hangover with cosmetics (or they could just be into 1980s heavy metal or the Cure). In any case, it’s terribly embarrassing when your makeup starts to run – mainly because there you are thinking you look fantastic and that is why people are staring. Obviously they think you look fantastic too, right? Fortunately you can blame it on the heat. (Although, unfortunately, it does mean you need to admit that you’re sweating.)
5. Farting in public
This is never good, is it? Especially if it’s audible. And it usually seems to happen in closed spaces, like the train where there’s already limited fresh air and plenty of smelly people. The truth is that when it’s hot out, your body tries to take in a lot more air than normal in order to keep your brain cool and functioning. Along with that, your body is busy regulating your inner thermostat, so you tend to fatigue quickly – and with that goes a bit of relaxation of your restraining muscles. So, you should consider yourself lucky if you only let a little air escape, and always add, “It’s the heat” to your “Excuse me”. Or you could just play it the other way around and complain about the ventilation system. Oh, these people!
6. Wardrobe malfunctions
They tell you to wear light, loose clothing in the heat, don’t they? And you should. But this can often lead to disaster; blouses that fly open when a bus rushes past, skirts that reveal a little more than you want to show as you bend forward, and of course, swimming costumes that don’t stay put as you dive into the pool. None of this would be considered acceptable in the middle of winter, but you can always blame it on the summer heat. And, the good news is no one will see you blush as they’ll be too busy checking out your goods.
7. Crying at a chick flick
Okay gentlemen, it does seem as though you’ve gotten off easy so far, but just think about those moments when you’re desperate and wish you could hire an air conditioner in the blink of an eye, but you might as well end up entering the comfort of your local movie theatre and getting a ticket for whatever’s showing next. When your mates catch your crying at the painful parting of on-screen lovers, you can always say that the heat has been interfering with your brain. And, in fact, you’d better or you’ll be relentlessly teased for the rest of the summer.
8. Drunk dialling
For safety’s sake, I’d like to include ridiculous tweets and embarrassing Facebook photos in this group. I know it’s hot, and the days are long, so the best place to spend your free time is at your local air conditioned pub. And once you get cosy, it’s devilishly difficult to pry yourself out into the blazing sun again. So when you realise that you’ve just exposed yourself on Facebook, tweeted about your smelly pit stains, or called your ex, the only thing you can do is blame it on the heat. After all, you don’t normally spend that many hours at a pub in winter, do you? (It’s probably best not to answer that.)
9. Forgetting – anything
It’s terribly embarrassing when you forget someone’s name, your address or your anniversary. It’s more than a moment’s discomfort – this can genuinely put you in a mess (especially if it’s your wife’s birthday). Fortunately, confusion is a symptom of heatstroke, and you can blame it on that. Of course, you’ll probably have to back it up with an afternoon in your GP’s waiting room (which, if you truly are confused from the heat, is probably a smart thing).
10. Nudie pictures
When it’s hot out, people try to wear as little as possible. Men tend to treat public spaces like their homes and walk around shirtless (that’s why those signs are there warning against it in every beer garden), and when you think no one’s watching, you tend to dispense with clothing altogether. Unfortunately, not everyone respects your privacy - and sometimes they have cameras. And no matter what shape your body is in, these tend to be circulated. It can happen to anyone (even to Kate Middleton), so it’s probably a smart idea to keep your clothes on. And, if you can’t, at least the heat comes as a handy excuse.