1. On the subway.
Bad smells are the main problem here. Also, dirty hands. And everyone staring at you. BUT DAMMIT IF THEY THINK YOU ARE GOING TO WAIT, they are wrong.
2. In a meeting.
No one ever wants to be in a meeting. Ever. And the worst part is when you realize that food can’t even help.
3. At a passed-apps party.
“Would you like a slider?” = “Do you hate the person you’re talking to enough to shove an oversized piece of maybe-delicious, maybe-disgusting food in your mouth, making it impossible for you to continue the conversation?”
4. On a couch.
The coffee table conundrum: Did you just cook yourself a decent meal for the first time in a while and PUT IT ON AN ACTUAL PLATE? Congratulations. But SHIT, the couch is the only reasonable place to watch all the tv shows, which means you’re now leaning over the coffee table — using a paper towel as a napkin — wondering when it’s ok to just put the plate on your lap.
5. On a blind date.
Look guy, I’m here to determine if you’re cool or if you’re useless, don’t try to cheat by engaging me in an activity that’s my favorite thing ever like pizza or ice cream or steak.
6. On a picnic.
Ants. Heat. Fruit flies. Grass that shouldn’t even get to be called grass. Back pain. Dogs.
7. At the beach on a windy day.
Sand. Heat. Sand. Sunscreen. Sand. Gross people not wearing enough clothing. Dogs.
8. Vegas buffets.
All of a sudden you have sushi on the same plate as some fettuccine alfredo and a pool of chicken tikka masala and HOW.
9. When everyone realizes there’s not enough pizza.
Everybody f*cking panic because THIS IS NOT OK.
10. Tapas: When there are three things on the plate and four people at dinner.
13. When you want to cook but your roommate wrecked the kitchen and then you guys hate each other forever.
14. Sitting with a bunch of people you don’t know at a wedding.
I’d like the filet mignon with a side of THE MOST ANNOYING SMALL TALK EVER.