"People drink absinthe to feel cool and ~ edgy ~."
"It's for people who want to feel rebellious but are terrified of actually breaking any laws."
"Also: weirdos."
"Yeah, like people who own seven pet snakes."
"Absinthe is for characters in 19th-century novels."
"Absinthe cocktails are wonderful. I like booze that makes me feel like a disgraced count."
"Bailey's is for college kids who learned how to drink from their dad."
"A beer and a shot is for someone who knows what is what."
"People who order that are people who will actually dance. Instead of just standing there."
"Yeah, most people who order a shot + beer don't suck."
"The person who orders a shot and a beer understands a thing or two about mortality and how to spend it well."
"It's the drink of people who are comfortable talking to strangers and make friends easily."
"People who like Bloody Marys are beautiful."
"Bloody Marys are for people who try too hard. 'Look at me, I'm drinking vegetables, harrumph harrumph harrumph.'"
"Bloody Marys are for people who talk about how much they hate brunch but then ALWAYS eat brunch."
"They also function as a light dinner for people who like getting wasted more than they like eating."
"Anyone who drinks Brass Monkeys is the kind of person who will manage to stock a full bar after the apocalypse."
"Campari and soda is for people who are going places."
"Campari and soda is for winners."
"Campari and soda is for someone who wants a good-tasting drink in her hand but wants to remain relatively sober."
"Also for people who have digestive issues."
"And people of taste who are too scared to talk about negronis anymore now that there's been a backlash."
"I think champagne is for people who are really good at finding online shopping deals. Like, their shoes are NICE but they didn't pay too much."
"Champagne is for people who like celebrating, even when you just want to celebrate BEING YOU, by yourself."
"Champagne is like the super-fun friend who you will never really get to know on a person to person level but who never disappoints you, partially because of that distance."
"Cider is for 18-year-olds who haven't acquired a taste for beer yet."
"I feel like bartenders profile moron-looking people and ask them have they tried the seasonal cider."
"It's just soda for grown-ups."
"Cognac is some classy fucking shit."
"Does anyone order cosmos anymore? I feel like it's very late '90s."
"Very Sex and the City."
"Cosmos and Sex on the Beach are like, not things people actually order unless they are horrible humans."
"Sex on the Beach is for people who are willing to say the ludicrous salad names at Just Salad out loud."
"Sex on the Beach is for people who would never actually have sex on a beach."
"Or sex anywhere."
"Has anyone had a daiquiri since the 1960s?"
"Those are the first drinks you get at Applebee's happy hour once you're old enough to drink."
"Tropical drinks are good in the tropics but silly anywhere else."
"Daiquiris and mai tais and piña coladas are for tiki bars. Outside of a tiki bar you have to be an insane person to order any of those things."
"Everclear is for when you want to die."
"Fernet is pretension in a glass."
"It has a VERY recognizable consumer. Namely, assholes."
"And/or people 'in the industry.'"
"Fernet is for displaced San Franciscans.
"Fernet is for a drinker who will commit to a drink."
"The fernet drinker will take a shot (no back needed, but ginger is acceptable) and will come over and fix whatever needs fixing in your home. No motives, no strings attached."
"Fireball is for girls who have self-described 'going out' clothes."
"Favorite shot among 21-year-old spring breakers across the country."
"Flaming drinks remind me of being a wide-eyed teen with hope for the future."
"Flaming drinks are for people who think motorcycles are the highest form of cool in the world."
"Flaming drinks are for people who don't want to pay to have their eyebrows tweezed."
"A gin and tonic is for old white men with too much money."
"A gin and tonic is for when you're like: I'd like a cocktail but I have no imagination."
"I don't get sleepy when I drink gin and tonics, I get...more polite?"
"You don't have bar fights during a night of gin and tonics — you have bar disagreements."
"'Settle down, man. Here, have a gin and tonic.'"
"Hennessy is such a uncle drink."
"Totally an uncle drink."
"Hennessy reminds me of people letting loose at stoop and/or backyard parties in Brooklyn."
"Hennessy is a fighting drink, though."
"Yeah, the last time I tried to fight a guy, I was drinking Henny straight."
"Jäger bombs are for college freshmen who pretend to be juniors at the club."
"For bros who feel the need to constantly reassure themselves of their bro-ness."
"Dudes who want to act like coked-out assholes but don't know how to get drugs."
"They remind me of the time I stayed in a hostel in Paris and a guy sleep-peed all over everyone's shoes."
"The worst boyfriend orders Jäger bombs."
"In the South I assume that any man who drinks a Jäger bomb also has mad confederate flag T-shirts."
"Drinks with Kahlua are for people who never learned how to drink."
"You drink a Long Island iced tea when you just don't give a fuck about anything. And you're not afraid of going to jail."
"LIITs are for when you have no fucking time to waste."
"NONE. You've got problems and you need to not feel them quickly."
"'Was it my birthday?' —Interior monologue of someone who drank a Long Island iced tea."
"Manhattans are a late-twenties drink. Maybe early thirties. You're trying to be an adult and you want people to know it."
"Manhattans are for people who are at peace with themselves and the world and are ready to enjoy the finer things."
"Manhattans are for people who want to seem mature but still need the reassurance of a cherry on the bottom."
"Margaritas are for perpetual spring breakers."
"And for frustrated office workers letting loose at TGI Friday's after work."
"Margaritas are for people who all go 'WOOOOOOOO' at the same time."
"BIG difference between frozen margaritas and on the rocks margaritas, though."
"Frozen margs are for dads who want to show off how powerful the blender they got on sale is."
"For the adults to 'let loose' at Jimmy's 10th birthday party in the backyard."
"Definitely good for parents who are like, 'Fuck wine, we've got kids and we're drinking.'"
"Martinis are for someone with taste and a sense of budget."
"Martinis are for people who are at least a little bit dead inside."
"For wives cheating on their boring finance husbands with the pizza delivery guy."
"Martinis are for people with good motor skills. That glass is too unwieldy."
"Martinis seem like the ultimate trying-too-hard drink. Like, you don't need to consume pure ethanol to prove how metal you are."
"Mimosas are for people who love being alive."
"Mimosas are for ladies who lunch."
"Yes, mimosas are for women who wear, have worn, or will wear sweater twinsets."
"Mojitos are the official drink of Fun People."
"Mojitos are simultaneously a dumb drink for amateurs and a classy drink for the refined."
"Mojitos are for people who want to get revenge on bartenders."
"Also people who feel guilty about not having had a salad for lunch. Because leaves."
"Moonshine is for people under 35 who wax their mustaches."
"City moonshine is trying to too hard. Country moonshine is just a way of life."
"Negronis are pretentious."
"Negronis are for emotionally withholding people with a SECRET HEART OF GOLD."
"Negronis are for people who have accepted the fullness of life's experience, the bitter and the sweet."
"No one under 30 orders Old Fashioneds."
"They're for beloved grandpas who play card games."
"Kids who go up to bars and order Red Bull and vodka but are told the bar doesn't have Red Bull order Old Fashioneds instead because they saw it on Mad Men."
"Kids who order Old Fashioneds think they're ordering Manhattans."
"And then they're in for a bad time."
"That said, so do sophisticated drinkers, because old-school Old Fashioneds (no muddled fruit bullshit) are AMAZING."
"Picklebacks are for people who groom their mustaches."
"People with vintage bikes who have an obscure collection of Vietnamese folk music on vinyl."
"Picklebacks are for people who moved to Williamsburg in 2012."
"Red Bull and vodka = cool bro who's too scared to really 'party' aka score drugs."
"Red Bull and vodka is for kids or people trying WAY too hard to reclaim their youth."
"For people at a frat party who have real concerns about the jungle juice and are trying to go with a safer option."
"If you're over 25 and you still drink Red Bull and vodka, I'm not letting you hold my baby or near my purse."
"People who drink rum and Coke are bores in bed."
"People who order rum and Coke have read fewer than 10 books in their lives."
"Rum and Cokes are for my dad's creepy friend."
"I respect people who drink sake."
"Sake bombs are socially acceptable Jäger bombs."
"They're for people who roll deep if they roll at all."
"People who drink sambuca in their coffee are alcoholics in the pleasant old-man way."
"They love the World Cup."
"All of my dad's friends drink sambuca in their coffee. They are old and Italian."
"They wear a white hat and have a thin mustache but are polite, not creepy."
"The guy who drinks sambuca in his coffee is the guy piloting this boat to the next island."
"Being into scotch is a mark of genuine refinement. And accomplishment."
"Scotch is for men who spend too much on leather wallets."
"The best drink for heart-to-hearts."
"Scotch probably tastes best if you wear a monocle while drinking it."
"Scotch is for people who make way more money than I do."
"Screwdrivers are for drunk moms."
"Special mommy juice."
"Freshman-year frat parties."
"Only psychopaths would order a screwdriver at a bar."
"Screwdrivers are in-house only."
"Otherwise, yeah, I'd assume that person was underage."
"I have friends who drink Sailor Jerry and Pepsi Maxx, they call it a Jerry Maxx. I'm worried about them."
"Good for a pint to put in your boot to sneak into the baseball game so you can pour it in a lime rickey but otherwise no to Captain Morgan. Rum in general can be pretty great, though. Makes me feel pirate-y."
"People who drink Captain Morgan on the rocks are analogous to people who drink Pinnacle Whipped Cream."
"Tequila is for dancing."
"Tequila makes me put on my dancey pants for sure."
"Tequila shots are what you do ONLY when you're already so drunk you can no longer experience pain."
"Or when someone else is buying."
"Shots of tequila are, like, two identities. They can be a guy in a white suit taking a shot out of a small expensive shot glass or me with my belly hanging out at 4 p.m. on a Saturday fist-pumping to Jovi."
"Bad vodka is for kids. Top-shelf stuff can be great."
"Vodka is for barfing up on a bed when you are 16."
"Bison grass vodka (Żubrówka) is a classy vodka, for classy people."
"It's like that one truly wonderful person who comes from a really shitty family."
"It's the person you meet and they have a weird accent so you think they're an idiot and then you realize they're way smarter than anyone else in the room."
"Vodka sodas are for people who think their body is some kind of temple."
"It's impossible to have an opinion about vodka sodas. It's like having an opinion about paper."
"Vodka sodas are for girls who always secretly wish people would ask them if they've ever thought about modeling."
"But if they're smart they'll at least add a splash of pineapple."
"Splash of pineapple = redemption."
"Vodka on the rocks, on the other hand, is for successful dads who are also alcoholics. Like, they keep it together, but they have three big ones every night."
"Whiskey is good for being productive-artist sad."
"People who drink whiskey gingers are no-frills, good people."
"Rye gingers too."
"People who don't just fav, they RT."
"They give good hugs."
"Whiskey sodas are for bar fights."
"The person who orders whiskey sodas is the person I wanna hang out with all night."
"I feel like the person who drinks whiskey soda is the cutest boy in the room."
"Whiskey sour is what you drink for the first three months after college."
"Whiskey sours are ordered by underage drinkers 100% of the time."
"Whiskey sours and Amaretto sours are your first cocktails ever."
"See also: lemon drop shots."
"Whiskey sours are for throwing up in a dorm bathroom."
"For people who like Sour Patch Kids but also want to get drunk."
"For people who are like, 'I like whiskey by itself, but I wish the hangover were worse. Ah, sugar!'"
"I'll never date a man who drinks whiskey sours."
"You can go back to whiskey sours later in life, though, and it's respectable."
"Whiskey sours are for a hot day in the South in some sort of fantasy I have where I date a man who drives a red truck and owns a bloodhound. He's both kind and strong."
"Wine is for drinking alone and feeling fabulous about it."
"Wine is great because even when you're drinking a low-class cheap wine you still look really classy."
Disclaimer: As you may notice, we do not venture into to the broad category of "beer." Alas, all you brewski guzzlers can determine what your poison of choice says about you right here.