1. First stop: MAKEUP AISLE! Pick up some vampy blue lipstick. You are gonna look SO kewl.
2. Realize Mom will NEVER let you out of the house with that on. Settle on a pack of LipSmackers instead — again.
Wind up using just Dr. Pepper and letting the others collect dust.
3. And how about some Naturistics lip balm for some extra gloss?
Hope you’re ready for all your friends to stick their grubby little fingers in here every time you bust this out.
4. Next up, hair aisle. Grab one of these sweet-ass headbands.
5. Dep or L.A. Looks to keep it in place? You’ll see what’s on sale.
6. OK, you’ll need to pick up some shampoo to wash all that flaky white gel-crust out of your hair. Salon Selectives…?
Naaah, too confusing. WHAT DO ALL THESE NUMBERS EVEN MEAN.
7. Phew — Herbal Essences to the rescue!
AS IF there were any other shampoo in existence in 1997.
8. Summer’s around the corner — better stock up on some Sun-In until you’re allowed to dye your hair!
9. Oooh the jewelry stand! Pick up a cool new mood ring because your old one rusted already.
And you’re pretty sure it didn’t work, anyway, since it only ever changed from blue to slightly lighter blue.
10. Time for some new deodorant! Teen Spirit, obvi. But — OMG — which one?! Berry Blossom? Caribbean Cool?? California Breeze???
UGH THEY ALL SMELL SO GOOD.
11. Chuckle and look around nervously as you make your way down the tampon aisle.
12. Perfume time! You can’t afford the real stuff on your measly allowance, but these will totally smell exactly the same.
Plus, BODY SPRAY > PERFUME, duh. (Except Elizabeth Arden Sunflowers. You can make an exception for Sunflowers.)
13. Skin-care aisle’s next. Shopping list: St. Ives Face Scrub…
15. …and a Buf-Puf.
You don’t really know what this is supposed to do, but there are JUST SO MANY ADS FOR THEM SO THEY MUST BE MAGIC.
16. Pop by the nail section. You’re feeling kind of edgy today, so you pick up some Urban Decay polish.
17. Oh man, your bathroom cabinet is totally going to overflow. Where are you going to store all your cool new stuff?!
18. …IN A BRAND-NEW CABOODLE, of course!!
20. Ugh, it’s all old, lame stuff…like Taylor Dayne and NKOTB.
21. Oh, but wait, what’s this under this mess of tapes…? Soundgarden, “Black Hole Sun”?! SCORE.
22. Brandy, “I Wanna Be Down”?? YESSSS.
23. Can’t forget the new issue of YM before you leave! Mmm, smells like CK One.
24. All your favorite hotties on one cover? Better pick up this issue of ‘Teen too.
25. And how about the year-end issue of Twist so you can PLAN THE ENTIRE NEXT YEAR BASED ON YOUR HOROSCOPE! Just need to find out what sign your crush is first.
The tear-out booklet will be so easy to sneak into your textbook during your super-boring math class. Sweet.
26. Maybe you and your BFF will send your pics to Barbizon later!
Or spend $20 on a 10-minute phone call to Boyfriend Rap.
27. Most likely, though, you’ll just send away for your name on a grain of rice.
28. Almost done. Time to pick up your photos from last week when you dropped these bad boys off.
29. “OMG! I TOTALLY FORGOT WE TOOK THESE PICS! LOLz.”
30. “Ugh. I can’t BELIEVE our picture with the band came out blurry. I WISH THERE WERE SOME WAY TO PREVIEW THESE THINGS.”
31. Phew. All that shopping made you thirsty. Pick up a bottle of Orbitz for the road.
It’s not your favorite, but it just looks so cool.
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