1. Can I touch it?
Nope, but you can touch your own arm for a sense of what it feels like. (Hint: skin.)
2. Is that real?
No, I am an adult woman with a stick-on tattoo collection that I break out for special occasions.
3. Did it hurt?!?
No, I am the naked mole rat and I am a creature immune to the pain of sharp needles digging through my skin.
4. I’m thinking about getting a tattoo on my side. Do you think that’s going to hurt?
If you are also a naked mole rat, probably not. But if you’re a human, I’m gonna take a stab in the dark here and say it might hurt.
5. What does it MEAN?! (Usually asked by a stranger in a public place.)
Listen, dude. If I were interested in giving a dissertation detailing the inspiration behind my tattoos, I’d be at the Why I Got My Tattoo convention right now, not here at the bar catching up with my friend over some Guinness. (FYI: I am not a jerk. I just prefer to bond with strangers by, say, playing K-F-M using other bar patrons, or showing them adorable selfies of my cat. Not talking about my tattoos.)
6. What do you mean, “you just like it”? IT HAS TO MEAN SOMETHING, right?
Nope. I like lilies. So now they’re on my arm forever. Bye!
7. Wanna see mine?
Not really, but looks like you’re rolling up your pant leg to show me that tribal sun around an angry lizard(?) on your calf anyway. Sweet ink, bro.
8. I really want to get my sleeve done! How much is that going to cost?
I’m an editor, not a tattooer. Maybe call your local tattoo shop and get back to me.
9. So…do you have any tattoos in *private* places? ;)
I literally just met you five seconds ago. No.
10. How long did it take?
Do you really care how long it took?
12. Who did your tattoo — do you have his/her number?
No, but there’s a cool new website called Google that might. (Don’t get me wrong — I love my artist, and I would refer every tattoo-wanting human on the planet to him. I am not, however, a walking billboard for his business and don’t carry his cards in my wallet. Sorry!)
13. How will you ever get a JOB with those?
With my sparkling résumé, my intelligence, and my magnetic charm. That’s how.
14. OMGz aren’t you afraid of getting a disease?!?!
Last I checked, I wasn’t a convicted felon with a spare pen and a paper clip.
15. Whoa, so you’re, like, a tough chick or something, right?
Nope. I cry when I see cute puppies jumping around, actually.
*tears. Stupid iPhone.