1. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
“The Martians kidnap Santa because there is nobody on Mars to give their children presents.”
Makes you think.
2. A Very Merry Cricket
“We find Harry Cat and Tucker Mouse feeling down about all the commercial selling in the Big City of New York. People have forgotten the meaning of the holiday, so off they go to Sunnyslope, Connecticut in search of Chester the musical cricket.”
People have forgotten the meaning of Christmas. Which is preternaturally talented insects.
3. Frosty Returns
“A Summer Wheeze aerosol spray threatens Frosty.”
Frosty vs. A Spray Can. Only one can survive.
4. Bone Alone
“Home Alone but with dogs instead of a kid.”
5. Chasing Christmas
“In a world where the holidays are run by the efficient Bureau of Yuletide Affairs, a bitter and burned-out Ghost of Christmas Past decides to go AWOL while on a ‘mission’ and leave his ‘target’ stranded in 1965.”
This “movie” “stars” Tom Arnold.
6. Annabelle’s Wish
“A mute boy and a calf with the ability to speak form a deep friendship, learning what it means to love and sacrifice for another.”
7. Christmas Is Here Again
“Sophianna, a crippled orphan girl, sets out to find Santa’s toy sack (which is a magical source of toys since it was made from the baby Jesus’ swaddling clothes) which is stolen by Krad who wants revenge after Santa stops handing out Krad’s coal to bad children.”
Starring Jay Leno.
8. The Custom Mary
“The film tells the story of a young Latina in East Los Angeles, who meets an African-American lowrider, and struggles to reconcile her faith and blossoming love affair while becoming dangerously involved in a religious attempt to clone Jesus.”
But who among us has not become dangerously involved in a religious attempt to clone Jesus at one time or another?
9. A Claymation Christmas Celebration
“Two hosting prehistoric dinosaurs guide you along a typical small town’s Christmas choral celebration. There’s just one catch: The entire town population is made out of clay! Special guest stars: The California Raisins!”
Dinosaurs and singing raisins and people made of clay sounds like three catches.
10. Christmas Do-Over
“In a remake of the plot from Groundhog Day, a man has to repeat Christmas Day over and over until he realizes how selfish he has become and has to change his ways.”
See also: Christmas Every Day
11. The Christmas Miracle of Jonathan Toomey
“A bereaved boy and his widowed mother commission a grumpy woodcarver to carve a nativity set and thus form a relationship that enables them all to put their sadness behind them and move on.”
I’d kill to have a remake with Nick Offerman as the grumpy woodcarver savior figure.
12. Must Be Santa
“Santa must pass his powers on to his chosen successor, but mistakenly passes them on to an ex-con.”
Hate when that happens.
13. The Night They Saved Christmas
“An oil company dynamites the North Pole in search of an oil field, unaware that they are endangering Santa Claus.”
14. Rich Little’s Christmas Carol
“It stars Rich Little in a one-man performance with impersonations of his characters playing the parts in Charles Dickens’ famous holiday story.”
To clarify: That’s Rich Little playing famous actors playing characters in A Christmas Carol.
15. Santa Buddies
“Puppy Paws, the only son of Santa Paws, does not want to follow in his father’s footsteps. He then hightails it to Fernfield, Washington to be a normal puppy, just like Budderball (who is on Santa’s naughty list for eating the Thanksgiving turkey). Meanwhile, the icicle that holds the magic of Christmas is melting away due to children’s and puppies’ belief in Santa and Santa Paws dying. It is up to Puppy Paws and the Buddies to rediscover their belief in Christmas and save the holiday.”
Puns on puns on puns.
16. Christmas on Division Street
“A good-natured homeless man and an ill-tempered student become good friends.”
Division Street. Get it? Division Street. Division. It’s subtle — do you get it? Guys? DIVISION.
17. Crazy for Christmas
“A female limousine driver takes an eccentric elderly rich man around town on Christmas Eve, and it turns out he’s her long-lost biological father that she didn’t know she had.”
18. A Different Kind of Christmas
“After the death of his wife, a father starts to act like Santa Claus and turns his house into a year-round wonderland. Unfortunately his daughter is a big-city attorney who has been given the job of making sure her father’s illegal all-year Christmas business is shut down.”
Got 99 problems but an illegal all-year Christmas business ain’t one.