1. Piper (Taylor Schilling) is put on a plane (with a very full bladder) and no clue where she’s being taken.
Yes, that is Lori Petty.
2. Alex (Laura Prepon) contradicts Piper’s testimony and is set free.
But only after she convinces Piper to perjure herself on the stand.
3. Tasha “Taystee” Jefferson (Danielle Brooks) wins the job fair.
And thinks she’s going to be set up with a job after her release (“They’re gonna hook me up with a real job. I’m gonna be like an assistant to Judge Joe Brown or one of those TV judges, or maybe even Judy.”) — but instead only gets $10 at the commissary.
4. Tiffany “Pennsatucky” Doggett (Taryn Manning) finally gets new teeth.
And NO ONE notices.
5. Suzanne “Crazy Eyes” Warren (Uzo Aduba) is revealed to be the person that punched Piper at the end of Season 1.
But it makes it look like a fair fight, so Piper is very grateful to her. Particularly as it means that the administration doesn’t have to file any paperwork about the incident.
6. A flashback shows how Taystee met Vee (Lorraine Toussaint).
And little Taystee is witty and wise beyond her years.
7. Sophia Burset (Laverne Cox) explains the female anatomy to the inmates.
There is a very confusing discussion about how many holes a woman has down there.
8. Lorna Morello (Yael Stone) goes a little stalker crazy.
After it’s revealed that she and Christopher only went on one date, Morello drives off in the prison van to Christopher’s house, steals a wedding invitation and teddy bear off his and his fiancée’s bed, tries on his fiancée’s veil, and falls asleep in their bathtub…before waking up to voices and sneaking out through the second floor window.
9. Galina “Red” Reznikov (Kate Mulgrew) figures out a new way to bring contraband into the jail.
And non-natural items begin sprouting up in her plant pots, like gummy bears.
10. Larry (Jason Biggs) and Polly (Maria Dizzia) are inappropriate.
Just a reminder, that’s Piper’s ex-fiancé and her married best friend.
11. Taystee tests Vee’s new business model on Nicky (Natasha Lyonne).
Though Nicky tells Taystee it’s not that time of the month, she convinces her to open the tampon. BOOM. Cigarette time.
12. Miss Rosa (Barbara Rosenblat) does one more heist with the help of a fellow chemo patient.
It’s not exactly a high-stakes bank job, but she can still enjoy the smell of the cash.
13. George “Pornstache” Mendez (Pablo Schreiber) returns.
And in a chit-writing mood!
14. In a flashback, Vee extends (a rare) hand to Red — and a toothbrush.
The friendship, such as it was, doesn’t last long though and Vee leaves Red with a few broken ribs and a punctured lung.
15. Larry tells Piper he had sex with someone else…while they’re having sex.
With his “flaccid dick in [her] mouth,” no less.
16. Red gets her family back.
Except for Big Boo, who’s a Big Bitch.
17. Piper’s brother, Cal (Michael Chernus), gets married at their grandmother’s funeral.
But Grandmother would approve because they’re getting a lot of use out of the flowers, Cal points out.
18. Piper checks out Red’s market while out on furlough and finds that it has been shut down.
Piper lies to her, telling Red all about the market’s success, because she’s a good bunkmate.
19. Vee gives Crazy Eyes permission to beat the crap out of Poussey (Samira Wiley).
- tears, tears, tears *
20. Pornstache is arrested for getting Daya pregnant — and he doesn’t go quietly.
He screams to the entire prison that he loves her and vows to return.
21. Sister Ingalls (Beth Fowler) refuses to end her hunger strike, despite being admitted to the hospital, where she is force-fed through a tube.
She goes out feeling like a rock star (but that’s probably mostly due to her lack of food and coherent thoughts).
22. Taslitz (Judith Roberts) shanks a Vee look-alike accidentally.
But instead of admitting the mistake, Red portrays the attack as a warning to Vee.
23. Red tries to strangle Vee with a piece of plastic wrap.
And the two get into a wild, physical battle on the cold loading dock.
24. Poussey and Taystee make up after Vee tears them apart.
25. Piper sneaks into the administrative office to steal papers that implicate Natalie Figeroa (Alysia Reiner) in an embezzlement scheme.
And even though Caputo (Nick Sandow) catches her, Piper just gets a night in the SHU and Caputo gives the papers to the warden. Bye-bye, Fig!
26. Vee hits Red in the head with a lock in a sock, over and over.
But with no witnesses and Red refusing to snitch, Vee pins the incident on Crazy Eyes.
27. Fig goes down on Caputo to avoid getting screwed, but it backfires completely.
“Suck my dick,” Caputo says as Fig begs him to give back the papers. “OK,” she responds. WHAH?
28. Officer Healy (Michael Harney) saves Crazy Eyes from being framed for attacking Red.
He gets Luschek (Matt Peters) to create a fake work order that would show Crazy Eyes was in the warehouse and not the greenhouse at the time of Red’s attack. Healy! Who knew you had it in you!
29. Alex violates her probation in front of her probation officer (thanks to Piper).
People out on parole aren’t supposed to have guns. And Piper snitches on Alex in order to get her sent back to Litchfield. (With some help from Larry and Polly.)
30. With Morello’s help and only three to six weeks to live, Miss Rosa escapes to die from cancer on her own terms.
“Go fast,” Morello advises on how Rosa can make it out of the prison without being caught.
31. And in the process, Rosa appears to have killed Vee.
Vee was “rude” to Rosa and payback is a bitch. Oh, the irony.
- Fox News has announced the 10 Republican candidates who will participate in the first debate of the 2016 U.S. presidential race on Thursday.