1. Wear animal prints to work.
Especially offices where the dress code is hardcore business casual and this will make you stand out extra.
2. But on red carpets, wear more than one animal print at a time.
A Monet of animal prints, if you will.
3. Remember: rhinestones are the window to your soul.
Just be careful with the arrangement — you don’t want people mistaking your sparkles for a bullseye.
4. When in doubt, just glue rhinestones all over your tube dress.
Feel like Britney in the “Toxic” video every night of the week.
5. Also, glitter nail art is a must.
You’ll need a Pinterest board to keep track of all your nail glitter styles — just go with it.
6. Glue huge pieces of fur to the edges of all your outerwear.
It will show off the fierce “come and get me, Peta!” spirit inside you.
7. In the springtime, choose ruffles.
Shop your daughter’s closet!
8. Definitely mix embroidery and fur from time to time.
You know what they say in Jersey: just when you think it’s too much, keep adding more.
9. You won’t get through winter without a fur vest.
Something to keep you warm but also expose your legs and boobs at the same time.
10. Cleavage is like a purse — you can’t leave home without it.
11. Lingerie functions nicely as a dress.
Have your husband unbutton his shirt to his belly button so you’re not the only naked-ish one.
12. No color is too bright for evening wear.
Just make sure it clashes with your tan — it’s the Jersey way.
13. Sew a wad of toilet paper to your LBD.
Nightclubs don’t always have it in the bathroom stalls, as we all know.
14. Re-wear old bridesmaid dresses when you don’t have time to shop.
Life gets pretty busy when you have to fight with your family all the time.
15. Mix prints.
Because this is on-trend, and you are trendy.
16. Look topless from at least one angle.
Ideally the back.
17. Wear sturdy collars instead of necklaces.
You can tie your halters to them, after all.
18. Of course, don’t go anywhere without applying at least half an eyeliner pencil.
19. Just always remember the three most important rules of Jersey Housewife fashion: tighter, shorter and sequined.
Fringe is optional.