Ranking All The U.S. Presidents By Their Hairstyles

Happy Presidents’ Day!

43. James Madison

James Madison / NYPL / Via digitalgallery.nypl.org

Texture: The best straw in the land.
Shape: Snowy mountain top.
Overall Score: 2

Interesting form. Fantastic muttonchops.

42. John Quincy Adams

John Quincy Adams, Southworth & Hawes, 1850 of original from 1843 / Wikimedia Commons / Via en.wikipedia.org

Texture: Soft cat hair.
Shape: The side parts of an oval.
Overall Score: 2.5

Cheek hair is so much cooler than regular hair.

41. Dwight D. Eisenhower

Dwight D. Eisenhower, 29 May 1959, White House / Wikimedia Commons / Via en.wikipedia.org

Texture: Dusty-ish? Like actual dust, maybe?
Shape: What is the shape of a nose hair?
Overall Score: 2.6

The name Dwight > hair

40. John Tyler

John Tyler, Edwards & Anthony / Wikimedia Commons / Via en.wikipedia.org

Texture: Baby’s hair.
Shape: Like a yamaka, perhaps?
Overall Score: 2.8

This is a seriously serious hairstyle.

39. Martin Van Buren

Martin Van Buren, circa 1855-1858, Mathew Brady / Wikimedia Commons / Via en.wikipedia.org

Texture: A wool coat.
Shape: Floating clouds or bundles of cotton.
Overall Score: 2.5

If my hair only grew on the sides of my face, I would definitely brush it straight out as well.

38. William McKinley

William McKinley, copyright 1896, Courtney Art Studio / Wikimedia Commons

Texture: A bamboo rug.
Shape: Martin Scorcese’s right eyebrow.
Overall Score: 3

His practical approach was quite refreshing: A douse or two or three of water and you’re good to go!

37. Lyndon B. Johnson

Lyndon B. Johnson, 10 March 1964, Arnold Newman / Wikimedia Commons / Via en.wikipedia.org

Texture: Wet soil.
Shape: The letter “C” turned sideways.
Overall Score: 3.2

It’s like he took a shower, then let it air dry. Genius.

36. Chester Arthur

Chester Arthur, 1882, Charles Milton Bell 1849–1893 / Wikimedia Commons / Via en.wikipedia.org

Texture: Iron wool.
Shape: Like a necklace for his face.
Overall Score: 3.5

His hair is literally connected at all ends, it flows like a river.

35. Theodore Roosevelt

Theodore Roosevelt, Copyright 1915, Pach Brothers, Library of Congress / Wikimedia Commons / Via en.wikipedia.org

Texture: Feathers
Shape: Skirt
Overall Score: 3.6

You know Teddy trimmed his own bangs.

34. Woodrow Wilson

Woodrow Wilson, 1919, Harris & Ewing / Wikimedia Commons / Via en.wikipedia.org

Texture: The inside of an Ugg boot.
Shape: The top of his head.
Overall Score: 3.8

No time to style when you’re running a country.

33. Warren G. Harding

Warren G. Harding, by Harris & Ewing, circa 1920 / Wikimedia Commons / Via en.wikipedia.org

Texture: Cow’s fur
Shape: The edge of a penny.
Overall Score: 4

His brows were certainly something to envy.

32. Grover Cleveland

Hon. Grover Cleveland, August 9, 1892 / Wikimedia Commons / Via en.wikipedia.org

Texture: Toothbrush.
Shape: A goatee on his forehead.
Overall Score: 4.2

It’s nice that he spent equal amounts of time on all three patches of hair.

31. Calvin Coolidge

Calvin Coolidge, 1923, John Garo / Wikimedia Commons / Via en.wikipedia.org

Texture: Suede.
Shape: A desert plateau.
Overall Score: 4.4

Calvin was a classy chap, indeed.

30. Andrew Johnson

Andrew Johnson, circa 1870-1880, Mathew Brady / Wikimedia Commons

Texture: Robin William’s arm hair.
Shape: Hipster beanie.
Overall Score: 4.5

What he lacked in shape, he made up for in volume.

29. Gerald Ford

Gerald Ford, 27 August 1974, David Hume Kennerly / Wikimedia Commons / Via en.wikipedia.org

Texture: Hairbrush bristles.
Shape: Porcupine.
Overall Score: 4.6

Hey, he played the cards he was dealt and he played them well.

28. John Adams

John Adams, 1735-1826 / Henry Adams, 2D / NYPL / Via digitalgallery.nypl.org

Texture: Whipped cream.
Shape: Victorian lady’s collar.
Overall Score: 5

How does one achieve such ample heights?

27. James A. Garfield

Pres. James Garfield, Picture taken circa 1870–1880 / Wikimedia Commons / Via en.wikipedia.org

Texture: A broomstick.
Shape: All the houses in the Shire.
Overall Score: 5.1

His salt n’ pepper crumb catcher has been setting trends since 1881, fools.

26. George Washington

Texture: Squirrel’s tail.
Shape: Mushroom.
Overall Score: 5.2

If you want to be taken more seriously, pair a Founding Father’s wig with some lace. End of story.

25. William Howard Taft

William Howard Taft, 11 March 1909, Library of Congress / Wikimedia Commons / Via en.wikipedia.org

Texture: Back hair.
Shape: Sleep mask.
Overall Score: 5.4

You just cannot compete with his handlebar ‘stache and his middle-parted hair.

24. Bill Clinton

Bill Clinton, 1 January 1993, Bob McNeely / Wikimedia Commons / Via en.wikipedia.org

Texture: A towel.
Shape: Sloth-like.
Overall Score: 5.3

Bill’s hair literally does all the work for him. It grows upward with strength and stamina.

23. James Polk

James Polk, 14 February 1849, Brady, Mathew B / Wikimedia Commons / Via en.wikipedia.org

Texture: Bean paste.
Shape: A coonskin cap.
Overall Score: 5.4

Only a badass could pull off a receding hairline AND a mullet.

22. Millard Filmore

Millard Fillmore / Wikimedia Commons / Via en.wikipedia.org

Texture: Fake plant.
Shape: Tablecloth.
Overall Score: 5.5

He gets high marks for creating a completely original hairstyle. It’s like half-circle, half-square.

21. Herbert Hoover

Herbert Hoover, circa 1928, Underwood & Underwood / Wikimedia Commons / Via en.wikipedia.org

Texture: Crumpled up silk.
Shape: Bottle cap.
Overall Score: 5.2

Seems to be the most popular ‘do. If Herbert Hoover’s hair had a twitter it would be trending right now.

20. Thomas Jefferson

Thomas Jefferson - by Stuart / NYPL / Via digitalgallery.nypl.org

Texture: Yarn.
Shape: A pile of dirty laundry.
Overall Score: 5.3

Only the finest goat and horse hair for this man!

19. Franklin D. Roosevelt

Franklin D. Roosevelt, 27 December 1933, Elias Goldensky / Wikimedia Commons / Via en.wikipedia.org

Texture: 6-day-old leg hair.
Shape: Small forest.
Overall Score: 5.4

Cool Guy Stan.

18. Richard Nixon

Richard Nixon, circa 1973, White House / Wikimedia Commons / Via en.wikipedia.org

Texture: Pug’s hair.
Shape: Tom Selleck’s mustache.
Overall Score: 5.5

Yes, we noticed the pattern. Everyone loves some good hair gel.

17. Jimmy Carter

Jimmy Carter, Department of Defense / Wikimedia Commons / Via en.wikipedia.org

Texture: If you gathered all the hair on a salon floor and then touched it.
Shape: The side of a hawk.
Overall Score: 5.6

Except for this guy! Kept it au naturale.

16. Harry S. Truman

Harry Truman, circa 1945, Frank Gatteri / Wikimedia Commons / Via en.wikipedia.org

Texture: Oil painting.
Shape: Caterpillar.
Overall Score: 5.6

He looks like a picturesque president with his pocket square and his delightful little glasses.

15. Ulysses Grant

Pres. U.S. Grant, between 1870 and 1880, Brady-Handy Photograph Collection / Wikimedia Commons / Via en.wikipedia.org

Texture: Carpet.
Shape: A garden before the vegetables have grown.
Overall Score: 5.7

An all-around solid look. I feel like this is what Justin Timberlake might look like when he’s good and ripened.

14. Zachary Taylor

Zachary Taylor, circa 1850 / Wikimedia Commons / Via en.wikipedia.org

Texture: Old noodles.
Shape: Birds nest with bird in it.
Overall Score: 5.8

I like that he probably just rolled out of bed that morning and was like “What’s up, I’m the President, bitches.”

13. Rutherford B. Hayes

Rutherford B. Hayes, Circa 1870-1880 / Wikimedia Commons / Via en.wikipedia.org

Texture: Kale.
Shape: A cartoon nose.
Overall Score: 6

He could’ve totally chewed gum in class and would’ve gotten away with it. That beard could win prizes these days.

12. George H. W. Bush

George H. W. Bush, circa 1989, N/A, likely POTUS / Wikimedia Commons / Via en.wikipedia.org

Texture: Sheets.
Shape: The bottom of a thimble.
Overall Score: 6.3

His hair looks like a sweet grandpa’s.

11. Barack Obama

Barack Obama, 6 December 2012, Pete Souza / Wikimedia Commons / Via en.wikipedia.org

Texture: Teddy bear.
Shape: Upper half of the Earth.
Overall Score: 6.5

The most sophisticated buzz cut this world has ever seen.

10. William Henry Harrison

William Henry Harrison, 1841, Albert Sands Southworth, Wikimedia Commons / Via en.wikipedia.org

Texture: Real fur coat.
Shape: Leaves.
Overall Score: 6.7

It’s like 50 Shades of Grey hair color.

9. James Buchanan

Hon. James Buchanan, ca. 1860 - ca. 1865, Mathew Brady / Wikimedia Commons / Via en.wikipedia.org

Texture: Dandelion seeds.
Shape: A flame.
Overall Score: 7

He’s like the original Harry Styles, but fancier.

8. Benjamin Harrison

Benjamin Harrison,1886, Adam Cuerden // restoration, Pach Brothers / Wikimedia Commons / Via en.wikipedia.org

Texture: A doily.
Shape: Bikini top.
Overall Score: 7.5

I’m biased, he reminds me of that adorable old man who made Jurassic Park from that mosquito stick.

7. George W. Bush

George Bush, 14 January 2003, Eric Draper / Wikimedia Commons / Via en.wikipedia.org

Texture: Tumbleweed.
Shape: Waves.
Overall Score: 7.5

‘Tis the definition of a coiff.

6. Ronald Reagan

Ronald Reagan, 8 Apr 1983 / Wikimedia Commons / Via en.wikipedia.org

Texture: Hairspray.
Shape: Queen Amidala’s hat.
Overall Score: 8

The whole thing just works. It’s structured. It’s tidy. It’s like a royal crown but made out of hair.

5. James Monroe

James Monroe, Durand, Asher Brown, 1796-1886 — Engraver, NYPL / Via digitalgallery.nypl.org

Texture: Bruce Jenner’s hair.
Shape: Pipe.
Overall Score: 8.4

Who doesn’t love a man who can rock a good pony?

4. Abraham Lincoln

Abraham Lincoln, 8 November 1863, Alexander Gardner / Wikimedia Commons / Via en.wikipedia.org

Texture: Hair that hasn’t been washed in two days.
Shape: Umbrella.
Overall Score: 8.5

This man was for sure one of those babies who was born with an absurd amount of hair. Just with like, an abundance of hair follicles.

3. Andrew Jackson

Andrew Jackson, 15 April 1845, Edward Anthony / Wikimedia Commons / Via en.wikipedia.org

Texture: Polar fleece.
Shape: Carrot.
Overall Score: 9.2

No amount of mousse on this planet could make my hair that voluminious.

2. Franklin Pierce

Portraits / NYPL / Via digitalgallery.nypl.org

Texture: Finely-knitted sweater.
Shape: Tree.
Overall Score: 9.9

This dude knew how to work a perm, am I right or am I right?

1. John F. Kennedy

John F. Kennedy, February 20th 1961, White House Press Office / Wikimedia Commons / Via en.wikipedia.org

Texture: Perfect.
Shape: Perfect.
Overall Score: Perfect.

Best hair of all-time.

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