22. Ryan — When in Rome
Why: Ryan is in last place because he was easily the most obnoxious person in 2002. He was absurdly overconfident and extremely forward despite the fact that no signs of romance had been reciprocated up to that point.
Best line: “I didn’t go too fast, did I, Leila?”
*This kid gets denied for good reason.
20. Ryan — Billboard Dad
Why: For the majority of the movie, he was such a punk. He lied compulsively and annoyed everyone. Also, what 14-year-old boy has, like, seven piercings? OK, so I’m still bitter he tried to sabotage the boxcar race in The Little Rascals. I’ll get over it soon, probably.
Best line: “Pretty cool stereo. Impressive.”
*Ended up being stepsiblings, so.
18. Cody — Billboard Dad
Why: He was nice enough. However, his score dropped significantly when he told the twins their dad needed to join internet chatrooms because “that’s where all the action is.” No, sir.
Best line: “Hey, Tess, I got you this tape from the No Doubt concert and I got you this T-shirt.”
17. Jean — Passport to Paris
Why: He was completely unrelatable. Language barrier aside, these kids had nothing in common. Also, not his fault, but his hair reminded me of when I used to brush out my perm in fifth grade and for some reason that made me feel weird.
Best line: “I’ll miss you, funny girl.”
16. Danny — Getting There
Why: His intensity actually startled me. Between him and Toast, I thought dating would literally be impossible in my teens. Oh, wait, no. It still was, my b.
Best line: “If you need anything, if you feel any pain, just tell Dr. Danny.”
*Ends up with neither of the Olsen twins.
**He’s also a love interest in So Little Time and Holiday in the Sun, but eventually loses out to Griffin.
13. Brian — Winning London
Why: The longer I stare at his puka shell necklace, the longer it takes me to remember why he’s No. 13 on the list. But I’m pretty sure it’s because he seemed like a normal, down-to-earth dude. Also, they kissed in an air duct and I had never seen such a thing before.
Best line: “Bond doesn’t get the girl till the end of the movie.”
12. Richie — Switching Goals
Why: Richie was the epitome of a middle school relationship. He was totally in love from the beginning but wasn’t prepared to handle his extreme emotions — so he just made fun of you all the time and pretended to hate you. I knew better, Richies of the world. I knew better.
Best line: “Maybe I’m kinda woozy but…I always did find you kinda cute.”
11. Marcus — The Challenge
Why: Marcus was a conniving little shit. However, with that said, he ended up earning back the respect of his lover and viewers everywhere, or the four people who actually saw this movie. Also, he was really only trying hard to win a college scholarship, so I had to forgive him.
Best line: “I’m really good at reading people, so let me see if I can figure you out.”
9. Lord James Browning Jr. — Winning London
Why: He was British, obvi. I say obvi only because it’s extremely obvious that the majority of the reason I loved him was because he was a well-mannered lord. Like, so obvious that I faked a British accent on a Carnival cruise when I was 13 to meet a man of his stature.
Best line: “Do you want to see my favorite spot in the whole of London?”
3. Griffin — Holiday in the Sun
Why: So, he obviously has some pretty terrible lines in this movie — but that’s not his fault, people. All this man has ever done is care (see slightly creepy quote below for reference). I always watched this movie and thought he’d make a very respectful boyfriend. I remember my 13-year-old self thinking he seemed like a true man of his word. You can tell those kind of things from movies.
Best line: “Everybody’s got a hobby, right? You’re mine.”
2. Jim — New York Minute
Why: OK, OK, so I’m biased on this one. Once I saw him in Disney’s Motocrossed, I actually fell in love. Literally, in love. So much so that I googled “watch Motocrossed online” last year in order to see his face again. He’ll be one of the very few to hold a place in my heart for life.
Best line: “Maybe we could ‘bump’ again.”
1. Jordan — Holiday in the Sun
Why: Last but never least, ever, my baby. Don’t even care about his lady tank top or choker, this man was my everything in 2001.
Best line: “Has anyone ever told you that I’m going to kiss you?”
*The Olsen’s love for him was as strong as mine, so they went on to feature him in So Little Time as well. Well deserved, my friend.