22. Ryan — When in Rome
Why: Ryan is in last place because he was easily the most obnoxious person in 2002. He was absurdly overconfident and extremely forward despite the fact that no signs of romance had been reciprocated up to that point.
Best line: “I didn’t go too fast, did I, Leila?”
*This kid gets denied for good reason.
21. Sam — Getting There
Why: This kid would NOT back down. He was friend-zoned for life and couldn’t handle it. I know, it’s harsh, but he went in for the kill even after she told him she classified them as friends.
Best line: “Kylie. I know you like me.”
*No, Sam. No, she does not.
20. Ryan — Billboard Dad
Why: For the majority of the movie, he was such a punk. He lied compulsively and annoyed everyone. Also, what 14-year-old boy has, like, seven piercings? OK, so I’m still bitter he tried to sabotage the boxcar race in The Little Rascals. I’ll get over it soon, probably.
Best line: “Pretty cool stereo. Impressive.”
*Ended up being stepsiblings, so.
19. Avery — Our Lips Are Sealed
Why: He was just too much for me to handle. Period.
Best line: “Knew I should’ve brushed my hair today.”
18. Cody — Billboard Dad
Why: He was nice enough. However, his score dropped significantly when he told the twins their dad needed to join internet chatrooms because “that’s where all the action is.” No, sir.
Best line: “Hey, Tess, I got you this tape from the No Doubt concert and I got you this T-shirt.”
17. Jean — Passport to Paris
Why: He was completely unrelatable. Language barrier aside, these kids had nothing in common. Also, not his fault, but his hair reminded me of when I used to brush out my perm in fifth grade and for some reason that made me feel weird.
Best line: “I’ll miss you, funny girl.”
16. Danny — Getting There
Why: His intensity actually startled me. Between him and Toast, I thought dating would literally be impossible in my teens. Oh, wait, no. It still was, my b.
Best line: “If you need anything, if you feel any pain, just tell Dr. Danny.”
*Ends up with neither of the Olsen twins.
**He’s also a love interest in So Little Time and Holiday in the Sun, but eventually loses out to Griffin.
15. Pete — Our Lips Are Sealed
Why: Everyone has fallen for at least one overly tanned dude with blonde hair in their lifetime. If he hadn’t been so incredibly cheesy, he would’ve been lower on the list.
Best line: “We heard there were some babes on board.”
14. Michel — Passport to Paris
Why: Didn’t mind the turtlenecks then, don’t mind them now. He really just seemed like an enthusiastic tour guide who could help me see the world, you know?
Best line: “That’s what art is really about, how you feel when you look at the painting.”
13. Brian — Winning London
Why: The longer I stare at his puka shell necklace, the longer it takes me to remember why he’s No. 13 on the list. But I’m pretty sure it’s because he seemed like a normal, down-to-earth dude. Also, they kissed in an air duct and I had never seen such a thing before.
Best line: “Bond doesn’t get the girl till the end of the movie.”
12. Richie — Switching Goals
Why: Richie was the epitome of a middle school relationship. He was totally in love from the beginning but wasn’t prepared to handle his extreme emotions — so he just made fun of you all the time and pretended to hate you. I knew better, Richies of the world. I knew better.
Best line: “Maybe I’m kinda woozy but…I always did find you kinda cute.”
11. Marcus — The Challenge
Why: Marcus was a conniving little shit. However, with that said, he ended up earning back the respect of his lover and viewers everywhere, or the four people who actually saw this movie. Also, he was really only trying hard to win a college scholarship, so I had to forgive him.
Best line: “I’m really good at reading people, so let me see if I can figure you out.”
10. Paulo — When in Rome
Why: Paulo always seemed like he would be a passionate lover — which, at 14, meant a fantastic pop kisser.
Best line: “You, like me, appreciate moments. Moments like this.”
9. Lord James Browning Jr. — Winning London
Why: He was British, obvi. I say obvi only because it’s extremely obvious that the majority of the reason I loved him was because he was a well-mannered lord. Like, so obvious that I faked a British accent on a Carnival cruise when I was 13 to meet a man of his stature.
Best line: “Do you want to see my favorite spot in the whole of London?”
8. Adam — The Challenge
Why: For the ladies who’ve seen every Olsen movie, including The Challenge, which was terrible, this guy is actually extremely underrated. He has the most adorable smile on this planet.
Best line: “I think you’re pretty amazing. Pretty and amazing.”
7. Brad — Billboard Dad
Why: I feel like this one’s pretty straightforward.
Best line: “Emily, I need you. I’ve been watching you, and you’re looking really good lately.”
*Not an actual love interest because he was like 20 years older, but Emily still had a crush on him.
6. Trey — New York Minute
Why: Jared is in the top 10 for completely shallow reasons. He’s got a hot bod and lovely hair.
Best line: “Is today my birthday?”
5. Greg — Switching Goals
Why: Greg was such a dreamboat. I always wished he would transfer to my middle school so we could talk about how much we love science and the weather.
Best line: “Hey, wanna play some video games?”
4. Alex — Getting There
Why: It really makes no difference that we never actually see him without goggles on. If anything, it only adds to his allure. He’s sexy and athletic and that’s that.
Best line: “Do you wanna ski together?”
3. Griffin — Holiday in the Sun
Why: So, he obviously has some pretty terrible lines in this movie — but that’s not his fault, people. All this man has ever done is care (see slightly creepy quote below for reference). I always watched this movie and thought he’d make a very respectful boyfriend. I remember my 13-year-old self thinking he seemed like a true man of his word. You can tell those kind of things from movies.
Best line: “Everybody’s got a hobby, right? You’re mine.”
2. Jim — New York Minute
Why: OK, OK, so I’m biased on this one. Once I saw him in Disney’s Motocrossed, I actually fell in love. Literally, in love. So much so that I googled “watch Motocrossed online” last year in order to see his face again. He’ll be one of the very few to hold a place in my heart for life.
Best line: “Maybe we could ‘bump’ again.”
1. Jordan — Holiday in the Sun
Why: Last but never least, ever, my baby. Don’t even care about his lady tank top or choker, this man was my everything in 2001.
Best line: “Has anyone ever told you that I’m going to kiss you?”
*The Olsen’s love for him was as strong as mine, so they went on to feature him in So Little Time as well. Well deserved, my friend.
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