1. Reason 1: You can hide things in it.
Feeling a bit down? Maybe have a bout of the old PMS? Just feel like a bit of a pick me up? Send your man on a chocolate run, he won’t even have to pay for it if he hides it well enough.
2. Reason 2: If you are out and see someone you don’t like, simply step BEHIND the beard.
Did they see you? NO THEY DID NOT because you are hidden by the Mount Everest of beards. Feeling pretty pleased with yourself, aren’t you? Note: If your man is sporting a baby beard this will work less effectively.
3. Reason 3: No matter where you go, you will always have a pillow.
He will still have to get one for himself, but you? You, you resourceful woman you, are taken care of. Notch that up as a genius move. You can even say you came up with it yourself, I won’t mind.
4. Reason 4: No one will ever fuck with you.
You know why? Because your man looks like he will smash them like a pancake. And also because, if he’s a ranga, chances are they’ll mistake him for Chuck Norris.
5. Reason 5: If you can’t have a pet, you can have a beard.
Just pretend his face is a cat.
6. Reason 6: He has the potential to become a famous beard model.
Where was Ricki Hall before he grew his beard and rose to international fame? Probably making bacon sandwiches. What does this mean for you? Instead of making bacon, he’s bringin’ home the bacon. Are you picking up what I’m putting down? Go quit that job, sista! Not really, you still need to make your own money because you are a confident independent womans.
7. Reason 7: You never have to buy yourself a drink ever again.
Because you have your own drink dispenser right by your side. No more lining up at the bar because lady, there are 5 more ready to go right in front of you. I am also going to state that because he is now an international beard model, he’ll be paying.
8. Reason 8: Dating a man with a beard is like dating Ryan Gosling.
Girls wish they were dating him and guys wish that they looked like him. It’s a jealousy saga all round really, with you in middle like “what? yeah, he’s mine, and so is that beard”. You can then run into the sunset cackling like a maniac because you now win at life.
9. Reason 9: You will never be bored again.
You can perfect your fishtail braid, fashion the beard into various styles using your collection of 694 bobby pins, you can even accessorise it like you used to do to your barbie doll. Endless amounts of fun.