1. “What’s wrong?”
Errr, is there something wrong? Nope. Nothing wrong. This is just how my face looks.
2. “No, seriously, what’s up?”
No, seriously, nothing. Not a single thing.
3. “You look miserable, are you OK?”
Nope, it’s just my face.
5. “You should smile more.”
Thank you for the advice. I do try to smile as much as humanly possible, it’s just I have to constantly remember to do it because my facial muscles are useless.
7. “I thought you’d be a total bitch when I met you!”
This is just not OK. You’ve now made me perpetually fearful of ever meeting anyone new because I’ll have to overcompensate and be mega-smiley and happy which I’m then worried will come across as insincere. It’s also exhausting.
You’ve basically just made me about a thousand times more insecure and paranoid about my chronic bitchy resting face than I already was.
8. “You’re really not a bitch, though!”
OH, WELL THANKS.
9. “Hah! I didn’t think you’d be funny!”
Just because my face looks serious, doesn’t mean I’m devoid of any sense of humour.
10. “Are you sure you’re all right, though?”
Let’s just assume that from now until forever, unless I tell you otherwise, I am fine.
12. “Well, you don’t look excited.”
Inside I’m excited! My face just doesn’t really let me convey it!
13. “You really don’t want to be here, do you?”
I’m actually perfectly happy here at this social gathering — in fact, I was feeling fucking fabulous.
15. “Be happy! Life is great!”
Yep, I know.
16. “Be happy for once.”
I am happy.
17. “You look upset. Do you want to talk about it?”
BUT I’M NOT UPSET. IT’S JUST MY FACE.
18. “There’s something wrong, I can see it in your face.”
Nope, you can’t, because at the risk of sounding like Ross from Friends, I’M FINE.
19. “Who pissed you off?”
Nope, wasn’t at all pissed off. Am now though.