This Is What A Year Without Sex Is Like

Because we've all suffered a dry spell, right?

Getty Images/iStockphoto Tiramisu Art Studio

January

vine.co

OK, slow start to the year. That's fine though, I still have 11 more months. And hey, I'm not terrible looking. It's not as if I'm going to go a year without sex, or something. Right? Right??

February

30 Rock / NBC

Oh, cool. It's Valentine's Day. I hadn't noticed because I was too busy organising all of my bookmarked porn into something I've invented, called a Manageable Arousal System. Plus, if you have sex today, you let Hallmark win. Did you know that they make their Valentine's cards from the ground-up skulls of people who died alone?

March

Flickr / Via Flickr: user

You know what? This not having sex thing is actually really easy. I’m fine. Everything is fine. No, honestly. Really. Please stop asking me if I'm OK.

April

Flickr: roland / Via Creative Commons

I’ve never noticed just how sexy everyone is. In fact, same goes for everything. Butter is sexy. Norway is sexy. I wonder how many Norwegians are having sex right now. Is it just me, or does that cloud completely look like two Norwegians bumping junk?

May

Flickr: angeloangelo / Via Creative Commons

You know what’s way better than sex? Carbs. No one ever got herpes off a loaf of Hovis. I’ve baked 17 cheesecakes in the past 48 hours.

June

gifsec.com

NBC

Oh hey, Tinder. I know we haven’t spoken in a while, but… you look great. Seriously, have you been doing Bikram yoga or something?

July

tumblr.com

Tinder, you should change your name to "Let's Match and Never Message Each Other." I think we should see other people.

August

Via quickmeme.com

Right now, this very second, some of the world’s most awful people are getting laid. If I listen carefully enough, I can practically hear bed springs squeaking in the Kremlin as Vladimir Putin has big, Russian sex.

September

Universal Pictures / Via imdb.com

Am I actually cursed? Is this like Drag Me to Hell, but instead of getting dragged to Hell, I get dragged to never having sex again? Have I refused a loan to any offensive gypsy stereotypes recently?

October

FOX / Via tumblr.com

If I went into my room and Dr Zoidberg was on my bed, all splayed out and ready for action, I’d probably just shrug and get involved.

November

WPA Pool / Pool

Nights are getting longer. It's dark. It's cold. Can you hear that? It's the sound of sex not happening. Or it might just be the wind. The cruel, icy wind. I would fuck George Osborne.

December

spielsified.tumblr.com

Frankly, well done, me. I've made it. I clearly missed my calling as a nun or Morrissey. Here's to a sex-filled new year. Please. For the love of all that's holy. Just hope I still know what goes where...