It’s that time a year again - The Words of WhizdDumb official predictions for the year 2012.
I believe that the events described below will in fact come true by the time Kathy Griffin kisses Anderson Cooper on the cheek at 12:00 a.m, January 1, 2013
The 2012 Presidential Election results in turmoil. Ron Paul runs a strong third party campaign resulting in a popular vote total of 41% for Obama, 39% for Romney and 20% for Ron Paul (Ron Paul would have done even better - but three days before the election it was revealed that Ru Paul was in fact his illegitimate son, resulting in Ron losing much of his support in the south).
However, as a result of Paul’s bid, no one candidate earns the required 270 Electoral Votes and for the first time since John Quincy Adams was installed as President, the decision goes to the U.S. House of Representatives.After more than a month of partisan wrangling, an uncontrollably sobbing and very orange John Boehner announces Mitt Romney as the choice on December 21, 2012 (coincidentally, this is the same date predicted as the end of the world per the Mayan calendar).
I do not normally go beyond 2013 in my predictions, but in this case I believe it important to add a historical note. President Romney will be impeached in late 2013 for attempting to sell off the less profitable departments of government in an investment banking scheme. Washington D.C will be referred to as The Bain Capital by the Washington Post early in April 2013. Romney will resign from office in November 2013 and will be seceded by Vice President Rick Santorum. Santorum himself will be the subject of scandal in 2014 when a New York Times reporter catches him in a compromising position with a lobbyist in a New York gay bar.
In other news, Anthony Weiner launched an unsuccessful attempt to regain office in 2013, It was his - This Time, I ‘ll Keep the Weiner in the Bun, campaign. He loses the campaign and joins Elliot Spitzer to host - TWITS AND SPITZ - a new talk show on MSNBC. It replaces the “Ed Show” after host Ed Shultz was finally permanently fired for this statement - If Ann Coulter wasn’t a she male, she would be the world’s biggest C—t.” Ed’s tirade was in response to Coulter’s claim that MSNBC’s “Lean Forward” promotion was merely “what a liberal does when he grabs his ankles”. Anyway - TWITS and SPITZ was a smash and became the cable leader in it’s time slot. Ed Shultz is screaming somewhere in the Dakotas at no one in particular.
After losing the Republican nomination to Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich goes on an eating, smoking and drinking binge and gains 90 pounds. In October of 2012, Newt gets lap band surgery and by December becomes the national spokesman for the procedure. He at first objects to having to do that “Let you’re new life begin - call 1-800 Get-Thin dance but ultimately acquiesces in dire need of the money to pay off a bloated campaign debt and a $800,000 line of credit at Tiffany’s. After losing his weight, Newt leaves his wife.
While vacationing in the Dominican Republic, Rush Limbaugh overdoses on a combination of Viagra and Oxycontin (apparently, a four hour erection is painful even for a dick head). Rush claims that he was unaware that he was taking Oxycontin as he was told it was merely Dominican aspirin.
Occupy Wall Street dies as a movement in 2012 as they simply ran out of places to occupy.
Sarah Palin wins Celebrity Apprentice in 2013. However, In a final cruel twist of irony, she is eaten by a mommy grizzly bear while on a camping trip on the Rogue River during October, 2013.
Meryl Streep will be nominated for an academy award (a cinch).
Lindsay Lohan goes to jail once again and this time she finds Jesus. Not Jesus Christ, Jesus Rivera - the cocaine dealer.
In February 2012, Justin Beiber and Justin Timberlake announce their joint concert tour - Just In! - Justin and Justin. In that same month, Lady Ga Ga creates a new music video with her riding naked on a horse through the streets of London - the song will be entitled Lady Ga Diva and will go to number 1 in on the Britain Pop Charts within one week of it’s release. There will be a a controversy over whether it should be pronounced “D i va or Deeva.
In the world of Hip Hop - MC Hammer and Young MC will form the first golden oldies rap tour entitled MC Squared. Ryann Seacrest will serve as the host and will adopt the moniker of Dumb EmCee.
The winner for Best Picture will not be.
Charlie Sheen, Mel Gibson and Jesse James star in a new television series - One and a Half Men. None of the stars will understand the irony of the title. Sheen will be taken to the hospital in September 2012 due to an overdose of tiger blood.
Kim Kardashian adopts a child in April of 2012 and launches yet another reality show entitled - Rearing a Kardashian. It fails miserably in the ratings when viewers realize it is actually about raising a child and not about Kim having - um - never mind - suffice it to say, the audience didn’t think it was going to be about parenting. After 90 days, Kim changes her mind about motherhood and returns the child to the adoption agency (although she does keep all of the baby shower gifts).
The best selling novel of 2012 will be the biography of a gay CIA agent who came out from under cover and the closet. The movie rights to the novel were a record $33 million and the film version of the book - Having Fun at the YMCIA” will be released early in 2013.
In General News
CNN is sued by FOX for copyright infringement on their documentary on the unemployment problem entitled American Idle
There will be at least two trials of the century.
An attractive blond girl will go missing. The nation will be transfixed by the 7-24 news coverage.
OJ Simpson will make a jail house conversion and become an Orthodox Jew (he wanted to keep the “O.J”) during April 2012. He will have a jailhouse wedding to a 24 year old girl inmate groupie in September 2012 and will stab an inmate for stealing his Tim Tebow autographed bobble head doll in December 2012.
Someone will do something idiotic on a plane causing the flight to make an emergency landing in - In related news, there will be three incidents where people had to wait on an airport for seven or more hours
In Business and Economics
The Gold bubble bursts in May 2012 as everyone finally realizes it’s just a friggin lump of metal and the only thing you can really do with it is make jewelry. Individual investment accounts are decimated and, as a result, the expected retirement age rises to 76. Ironically, this does solve the Social Security problem as most people will be dead by 75. In related news, in November 2012 it is discovered that Goldman Sachs had a massive internal campaign so sell off all of their gold holdings while at the same time they were recommending to their clients that they should buy all they could get. The clandestine activity is labeled in an internal Goldman Sachs’ memo is Operation Fools Gold. This results in a grass roots campaign - Goldman Sachs Gave Me the Gold Finger (1). After a SEC investigation, Goldman is fined an amount equivalent to about 1/10th of a percent of the profits they made of their gold sales. No one goes to jail (natch) - meanwhile - Texas keeps executing black folks.
(1) Note: this is my notice that I am copy righting this phrase now for future t-shirt sales.
Oil prices continue to rise despite the vast increases in domestic supplies and the approval of the Keystone pipeline. Gasoline reaches $5.50 a gallon by July, 2012 and all oil companies will experience record profits for the tenth year in a row. I will write a nasty, insulting yet entirely ineffective blog post in August 2012.
In order to stimulate the capital markets, Congress will passes legislation allowing for the trading in blood. President Mitt Romney signs the bill into law in mid 2012 stating that such a plan will not only provide for a more efficient, market based blood supply, it will also stimulate capital investment in the blood market, thus lowering the price of blood for all Americans. Unfortunately, rampant hedge fund speculation will drive blood prices to over $1,000 a pint and a global blood shortage will develop. This, despite a massive production efforts by China (seems that their blood exceeded allowable lead content). In response to this shortage, Congress passes a bill allowing the National Red Cross to go private. It’s Initial Public Offering (IPO) in late 2012 becomes the largest in Wall Street history and the ruthlessness of investors to acquire Red Cross stock becomes known as the 2012 Blood Bath. Blood shortages continue throughout the year. At one point President Romney proposes selling American oil for to Canada in exchange for Canadian Blood - but this effort is derailed by a massive No Oil For Blood grassroots campaign. Sadly, the problems experienced with privatizing blood puts on hold President Romneys’ initiatives to establish similar market based trading infrastructures for oxygen and water.
Carnival Cruise Lines will declare bankruptcy after settling claims for the Costa Concordia disaster and the Words of WhizDumb Mexican Riviera cruise debacle.
Another banner year on the technology front.
A new device called the I-Ring will be introduced by Apple. It will be a wedding ring with a small transponder in it so that spouse may keep track of each other’s location at all times, thus - virtually ending infidelity. As an aside, marriages will drop to an all time low.
In a further expansion of the home gaming market, Microsoft will launch a virtual porn game. It will out sell all previous games and also win Microsoft the award for the technology platform of the year - the XXXBox.
Three versions of the IPAD will be released during 2012 all resulting in record sales and lines wrapping around each Apple store. In related news, Apple will announce that IPhone customers will finally be able to actually receive phone calls in late 2013.
Airport Scanners will be banned by the Federal Government in October 2012 after a study that concludes that the radiation emitted is causing an alarming rate of penis enlargement. In related news, the black market for home Airport Scanners booms and replaces cocaine is the primary illegal import into the United States.
Flat Screen televisions finally fall to a price of zero.
Health and Medical
Once again, despite the billions to be made from such a discovery, there will be no cure for baldness.
There will be three major medical reports issued concluding that either chocolate, coffee or wine is good for you and an additional three reports that will conclude that all of these things are bad for you. The Words of WhizdDumb guy, like most Americans, will choose to believe the first report.
There will be the obligatory 3,000 newscasts on obesity in America. The same anonymous fat guy walking across the street will be shown in all of the newscast. Some author will make millions on his best selling diet book - The Miracle Chocolate, Coffee and Wine Diet.
A dozen or so things that we like to do will be linked to cancer.
Last Prediction and Most Important Prediction
Superbowl XLVI - New England Patriots 35. New York Giants 28.