How To Sleep Outside When You’re Drunk

Who needs the Hilton when there’s plenty of cozy bushes? posted on

Naps are scientifically proven to increase concentration, improve your mood, and increase productivity. While we still don’t quite know the reason animals sleep, it’s generally agreed upon that resting the brain allows it to process and defrag the stimuli that’s accumulated in your brain over the course of day. Well if you’ve been drinking, chances are there’s a shit ton of stimuli that requires defragging, and if you were out at the bars getting stimulated then most likely your sleeping locales are scarce at best.

Not quite.

If you’ve seen Survivorman or Man-kind-of-versus-Wild, then you know the true wilderness guru is able to construct a suitable shelter under the most extreme of conditions: a desolate Arctic blizzard, a creature-ridden forest, a snake infested cave or in our case— an alley behind a dive bar.

Now I wish I could say the latter was solely in jest but I’ve had the pleasure of sleeping outside twice in an urban setting and despite upsetting a group of jolly ants in Athens, lived to tell about it. Yes— I wasn’t blacked out. While you may think having the autopilot on would make the decision to urban camp easier, it’s precisely the fact that I didn’t have it on that saved me a trip to the tank. The reason is simply that my keen drunken eye was able to detect the subtle, drunken vagaries left behind by the Man to deter such action and thus, avoid them. Like a hunter sniffing the freshly laid tracks of a man-eating bear, so I strafed the drunk-eating Man. How, exactly did I do this?

1. Dumpsters

If you’re in an alley you might think a dumpster would be an excellent one night cheap motel: it keeps the rain out, and there’s plenty of them in the places you’ll find dives. True though this may be, you’ll most likely have to contend with some strange odors, as well as the staggering piss-place drinker. I know of one particular dumpster that regularly gets pissers throughout the night, and so I would try to avoid dumpsters if at all possible— not to mention the fact that they usually don’t put them on grass, and pavement is bad for your pores.

2. A concealed tree

This is a personal favorite; trees are usually on the previously alluded to grass, provide shelter from rain/sun, and will even give you something to lean on. However, before you settle on the tree method, try and take notice of what it is concealed next to: is that a courthouse or police station? A church? A sex shop? Some of these places have questionable characters and will cause some amount of regret in the morning. Also, sleeping next to a sex shop is just plain weird. Like I mentioned, I ran into some ants once using this method, but they were friendly ants, so it wasn’t a big deal.

3. An abandoned building

I would highly avoid this method, if not for the sole reason that you are not the first person to notice that this building is abandoned, then for the fact that you are too secluded. If someone were to find you there with bad intentions then you are definitely fucked. At least in an alley or concealed tree, if you are discovered you can run out into the street to avoid the priest or judge. Besides crackheads like abandoned buildings and they need them more than you. I mean, they’re crackheads for Christ sake. Churchill didn’t beat the Nazis by smoking crack.

4. A hotel

Obviously this is preferred, but what would this have entailed? If you are good at any of the following then more than likely you are bad at being drunk, which means you won’t even be in the predicament of needing a place to crash anyways:

Planning
General regard for yourself and well being
Decision making
Saving money
Directions
Memory
Sending Mother’s Day cards
Planning
I’m pretty sure this is the reason I haven’t been to Athens in a while. Even if you are good at being drunk and still find a way to procure yourself a hotel room, think to yourself: does this place really want me here? (No) Don’t I have drinks to buy anyways? (Yes). What if I break the toilet somehow?

5. Your car

This can be useful, but it’s also dangerous. I’ve employed this method to great success— weathering not just some frigid temperatures but some frigid cops as well, and the key is in your keys— you have to hide them. I don’t mean to hide them in your car (the po-pos will find them when they search it) but I mean to really fucking hide them by tossing them in the woods or hiding them in the car next to you. The reason is simply that, even if you are sleeping in the passenger seat and never planned to drive (you are, after all, not an idiot), the cops can charge you with intent to drive, and off to the tank you go. As long as you hide your keys, you can blow a .32 and slap the cop on the ass, and they can’t arrest you— though I wouldn’t try either because one will get you hurt and the other is funny as hell.

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