1. Step 1: Take a cue from Biden and show up with some doughnuts.
2. Step 2: Print this picture and hang it over your desk.
3. Step 3: Introduce yourself to the CNN audience via hologram.
4. Step 4: Try to stay off Twitter.
6. Step 6: Say “hi” to John King but don’t give him the impression that he’s ever going to get his own show again.
7. Step 7: Take a deep breath and remember that none of the shows on CNN need “supersizing.”
8. Step 8: Have your secretary forward all calls from Larry King to voice mail.
9. … Ted Turner too.
10. Step 9: Remember that you can’t stop Christiane Amanpour, you can only hope to contain her.
(Photo credit: Martin Schoeller)
11. Step 10: Make certain you are sitting at the cool kids’ table during lunch.
12. Step 11: Don’t forget to ask Piers Morgan if he’s ever been properly in love.
13. Step 12: Bond with staffers by jumping off the giant CNN sign outside.
14. Step 13: Get a “Magic Wall” installed in your office because you can.
15. Step 14: Wolf hasn’t had a vacation since 1995. Give the poor guy some time off.
16. Step 15: Politely ask Roland Martin to please stop bringing the funk on your network.
17. Step 16: Nope.
18. Step 17: Try not to get lost in foreign correspondent Nick Walsh’s “Blue Steel” gaze.
19. Step 18: Bro-down with Carville by trading hairstyle tips.
20. Step 19: Before you log out of Gmail, send around a memo announcing the resurrection of “CNN After Dark.”
22. Step 21: Try to get some sleep and think about the ratings tomorrow.
Contact Dorsey Shaw at firstname.lastname@example.org