21 Easy Steps To Get CNN’s New Boss Through His First Day

Jeff Zucker has a difficult task ahead of him, and his first day in Atlanta will be crucial. Here are some tips to help him survive.

1. Step 1: Take a cue from Biden and show up with some doughnuts.

2. Step 2: Print this picture and hang it over your desk.

3. Step 3: Introduce yourself to the CNN audience via hologram.

4. Step 4: Try to stay off Twitter.

5. Step 5: Don’t let Wolf’s new look psych you out.

6. Step 6: Say “hi” to John King but don’t give him the impression that he’s ever going to get his own show again.

7. Step 7: Take a deep breath and remember that none of the shows on CNN need “supersizing.”

8. Step 8: Have your secretary forward all calls from Larry King to voice mail.

9. … Ted Turner too.

10. Step 9: Remember that you can’t stop Christiane Amanpour, you can only hope to contain her.

(Photo credit: Martin Schoeller)

11. Step 10: Make certain you are sitting at the cool kids’ table during lunch.

12. Step 11: Don’t forget to ask Piers Morgan if he’s ever been properly in love.

13. Step 12: Bond with staffers by jumping off the giant CNN sign outside.

14. Step 13: Get a “Magic Wall” installed in your office because you can.

15. Step 14: Wolf hasn’t had a vacation since 1995. Give the poor guy some time off.

16. Step 15: Politely ask Roland Martin to please stop bringing the funk on your network.

17. Step 16: Nope.

18. Step 17: Try not to get lost in foreign correspondent Nick Walsh’s “Blue Steel” gaze.

19. Step 18: Bro-down with Carville by trading hairstyle tips.

20. Step 19: Before you log out of Gmail, send around a memo announcing the resurrection of “CNN After Dark.”

21. Step 20: Don’t forget to turn off the lights!

22. Step 21: Try to get some sleep and think about the ratings tomorrow.

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