Let’s start with this one.
1. Mention how Leonardo DiCaprio has been robbed too many times, and that this is his year.
2. Start a heartfelt conversation about your first drug experience.
3. Point out that Jonah Hill’s role in The Wolf of Wall Street required him to put back all the weight that he lost before Moneyball.
Add that you wonder if that’s frustrating for him.
Moving right along…
4. When someone brings up Lupita Nyong’o’s amazing performance, add that she’s also ridiculously gorgeous on the cover of W Magazine.
6. Learn how to pronounce Chiwetel Ejiofor’s name properly and then say it repeatedly in conversation.
7. Complain that you didn’t see enough of George Clooney in Gravity.
Just don’t mention that you didn’t see him at all, considering you didn’t watch it.
8. Make a snarky comment about how Sandra Bullock could never meet the physical requirements to be an astronaut.
9. Point out that the making of Gravity was more enthralling than the movie itself.
10. Tell everyone how great Matthew McConnaughey is in True Detective.
Even if you haven’t watched the show.
11. Start the argument that Matthew McConaughey could quite possibly win an Oscar before Leonardo DiCaprio.
Then retreat for a refill and watch tempers flare.
12. Mention that everyone was just a little too thin for your liking in Dallas Buyers Club.
Then ask if anyone needs a refill on snacks.
13. Mention that you really related to Her because you sometimes say goodnight to Siri.
14. Point out that before Scarlett Johansson became the signature voice, some other woman recorded those lines.
Then pray that no one asks you for that woman’s name.
15. Gush about the awesomeness that is “The Moon Song” by Karen O.
Who’s going to argue with you? No one, that’s who.
OK then. Next is:
16. Point out that Jennifer Lawrence dances in American Hustle, so it’s bound to win something.
Silver Linings Playbook ring a bell? (If you missed that one too, just know that there was dancing.)
17. Praise the miraculous physical transformation Christian Bale went through for American Hustle.
18. Start a deep conversation revolving around the significance of Bradley Cooper’s hair.
19. Admit that you think Keith Richards was a scarier looking pirate.
20. Claim that movies based on true stories get preferential treatment from the Academy.
21. Argue that Captain Phillips should win if only to give Tom Hanks a new hood ornament.
22. Talk about how Saul (Bob Odenkirk) is in this movie. Then start a full conversation about Breaking Bad.
23. Bring up the road trip you’re planning with one of parents.
Even if you’re not actually planning one.
24. Mention that a black and white film won in 2012, so Nebraska has a shot.
At least there’s talking in this one. Right?
25. None of your friends saw this movie. If they did, they will only bring it up to be pretentious film nerds.
But keep a plate full of snacks just in case. It’s hard to add commentary if your mouth is full.
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