1. That you will become a “Product Junky.”
Which you probably are already. Oh the sweet serenity of denial.
2. Walking through spider webs.
Sure, this is scary for everyone. But when a spider gets stuck in an afro, he may never be found again. It’s a frightening experience for both human and arachnid.
Or worse, that a bee will get stuck in your fro and sting you. Especially when using products like this:
3. That natural hair bloggers will find something else to do with their spare time.
5. That your homemade hair products will turn out all wrong.
Didn’t thoroughly blend the avocado? Plan on picking that stuff out for hours. Overdo it on the honey? Sticky situation.
6. That Solange Knowles will straighten her hair with a relaxer.
7. Wasting even a single drop of your favorite conditioner.
Not the Carol’s Daughter Monoi Repairing Conditioner! Anything but that!
8. Offices that don’t allow scarves as headwear.
9. Or people that won’t accept you due to your “unprofessional hair.”
Yep, combs. They are handheld torture devices. Finger detangling saves, my friends.
11. People discovering that your “Michelle Obama arms” aren’t from pushups, but from hours spent washing and styling your hair.
12. An emergency happening on wash day.
Oh, there’s a fire in your building? You could just avoid inhaling the smoke until your treatment is over, right?
13. Washing your hair at night and not having a clue what it will look like in the morning.
Or if it will be completely dry by then.
14. That your pastor will discover you read curlynikki.com more than you read scripture.
The most comprehensive collection of natural hair advice on the Web? Hallelujah.
15. That you will straighten your hair and never see your precious curls again.
Sorry, hair. So, so sorry.
16. Getting caught in heavy rain, or plunging into deep waters.
Underwater? Nope, this twist out took too long. Sorry!
17. That Shea butter or coconut oil will suddenly be in short supply.
18. That you’ll never find a true way to prevent shrinkage.
19. That someone will catch a glimpse of you before you can fluff in the morning.
A good night’s rest makes for a disheveled and unintentional fauxhawk.
20. That your braids will be too tight and you’ll have to take down your protective style.
So much for leaving your hair alone for awhile.
21. That you’ll never really be able to wear a hat.
22. That the local store won’t have what your hair needs.
Apparently “ethnic” shelves are the only ones that can hold natural hair products, and not all stores have them.
23. You’ll never really be sure which “type” of hair you have on your head.
During transition phases you probably have more than one type.
24. That your braid outs and twist outs will end up looking a hot mess.
And don’t even THINK about taking your hair down before it’s dry. Unless the style you’re going for is Frizzy Puff Ball.
25. Styling without EVOO gel.
You sprung for the huge bargain size but you still have nightmares about running out.
26. That people will discover what your hair looks like at night.
Braids tonight = healthy curl definition tomorrow. Hush, haters.
27. The idea of sleeping without a satin pillowcase.
28. That the hair will someday take over.
It’s only a matter of time.