10 Unsettling Truths “The Lion King” Glossed Over

Killing your brother is just another Wednesday on the savannah. Seriously, no one cares.

1. Simba might have been Scar’s kid.

Walt Disney Studios

Walt Disney Studios

 

Dude lions are ejected from their natal prides around three and wander the wastes as nomads, either alone or with their brothers. Until one fateful day they think, “This is bullshit,” and usurp a neighboring pride with a weak male. Coalitions tend to have larger territories and more kids because they can split procreation and patrol duty and sorry there’s no lion Maury so we’re just taking Sarabi’s word for it.

2. Mufasa was only king of his own deluded mind.

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Lion society is matriarchal. The lioness motto seems to be, “Hey if it keeps the babysitter happy, we’ll call him King Dopplepopolis, Emperor of Oz.” Males have the illusion of power while women run the show. They do the hunting, establish hierarchy and generally call the shots while the male(s) patrol the borders and patiently wait for a female to deign to mate with his lowly ass.

3. Scar was getting all the sexy times.

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A black mane is the lion equivalent of dat ass. The older a male gets, the darker his mane gets. A sexy black mane equals a fine specimen of DNA that has survived lots of fights and makes great father material. And with Mufasa playing “monogamous human” with Sarabi, the rest of the pride still had needs if you know what I’m saying.

4. Mufasa was a lying liar that lies.

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According to Simba’s father, “Everything the light touches is our kingdom.” According to hard facts, a lion’s territory ranges from 11–50 square miles with an occasional badass holding up to 100 square miles. So go ahead, Simba. Head across the river and tell the local pride your daddy claims this land for Pride Rock, see how that goes.

5. Murder is an occupational hazard, whatever.

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Having copious amounts of sex, free food, and others perks of a pride is a sweet gig in high demand. Two or three years is considered a good run before being ousted (aka straight-up murdered) by younger challengers. As far as the ladies are concerned, all dicks look the same at the end of the day. Scar’s Machiavellian methods were clearly for his own amusement instead of actual subterfuge.

6. There’s no such thing as a bloodless coup.

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Hey isn’t it weird that Simba and Nala are the only two cubs in this huge community? Brace yourselves. When a lion is killed or exiled, the newcomers don’t want to be saddled some old geezer’s kids… yep. Mufasa and Scar totally went Darth Vader and killed the younglings to throw all the lionesses back into heat. Suddenly casual fratricide isn’t looking so harsh.

7. Simba and Nala are siblings.

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In a pride, all the lionesses are related. Female cubs stay with their mothers to form an extended family of sisters, aunts, and cousins, with boys sent off to find their own way because if you breed with your brother-cousin, you’re going to have a bad time. And since she wasn’t killed during Scar’s takeover, it’s safe to say we found her dad.

8. To recap, this is his sister. Or cousin. Or both.

Walt Disney Studios

Walt Disney Studios

 

If you just tried to justify this, you can never judge Jaime and Cersei Lannister again.

9. This is Simba’s true fate.

Walt Disney Studios

Say a young male lion escapes the purge when his dad is replaced in a pride. Exile is the other option. However, without his mom or sisters to hunt for him teach him to hunt, starvation or falling prey to other large predators is a certainty. Sorry guys, but Timon and Pumbaa are angels. Simba’s dead.

10. Bonus! Rafiki is an abomination against nature.

Walt Disney Studios

 

Though called a baboon (left) and have the coloring and tail to go with it, that is clearly a Mandrill (right) face. What the hell is going on here? Did some scientist recreate Face-Off to make a super-intelligent, artistic monkey hybrid and then unleash it onto the unsuspecting lion populace to trick them into ritualistic inbreeding? Face it, that’s the only logical explanation.

Lion facts courtesy of Feline Conservation, BBC, and Wikipedia.

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