1. Awwww, is this your little sister/brother?
This fine specimen of humanity is the product of unprotected sex between me and my partner.
2. How old are you?
Old enough to know that’s a rude-ass question.
3. Were they happy accidents or planned?
Is there a right way to answer this?
4. Is the baby’s father/mother still in the picture?
Nope, much like the praying mantis, the young parent eats their mate after conception to show dominance.
5. Did you consider alternatives when you found out you were pregnant?
Well yeah, I mean we thought about exposing the fetus to radiation in hopes of birthing a superhero but it was like a 50% chance it’d turn into a villain. Not worth it, am I right?
6. Man, I just don’t think I was mature enough for kids at your age.
Good thing you didn’t have them then.
7. Isn’t it irresponsible to have kids before you’re financially secure?
If everyone waited until financial security to have kids, the human species would be extinct.
8. It must be nice to have all that energy!
9. I don’t think I can handle being friends with you now that you’re a parent.
Kids: the ultimate early asshole detection system.
10. Don’t you feel like you’re missing out on your youth?
You mean going to animated movies in theaters, playing hide-and-seek, having pancakes for dinner, building a blanket fort, getting back into coloring, and trading Pokemon cards? Because that’s what we did last weekend.
11. Oh wow, you could be a grandparent in your forties!
And that’s a bad thing why? My kids will be in college when yours are in kindergarten.
12. How do you manage everything?
With faith, trust, and pixie dust. Also a day planner, like everyone else.
- A judge set a $1 million bond for Ray Tensing, who was charged with murder for fatally shooting Samuel Dubose.
- The Taliban has appointed Mullah Akhtar Mansour as its new Afghan leader.
- Airplane debris discovered Wednesday "very likely" belongs to the same type of aircraft as missing Malaysia Airlines Flight 370.