The Worst Thing About Kids’ Birthday Parties Is The Other Parents

To be honest, the worst thing about parenting in general is other kids’ parents. Who knew raising children was a social minefield?

1. So your kid wants to go to a birthday party, a staple of happy childhood memories.

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2. Which is cool because you know they have the best BFF in the universe and you could use a child-free afternoon.

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3. Oh shit, the RSVP says “Parents Welcome” which is code for “Socially unacceptable to kick them out of the car as you drive by.”

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4. Which means…two hours in an enclosed space with other parents.

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5. Time to man up. If you go to their party, they’ll have to come to yours. Parent Law. You can do this. For your child’s social future.

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6. You get to the party, and your kid is instantly like…

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7. Stranding you alone in a group of adults you’d never socialize with if you hadn’t all shot babies out of your lady parts in the same year.

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8. You attempt small talk.

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9. Only to discover your opposing viewpoints on literally everything from child-rearing to favorite television show.

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10. Then someone brings up church. Or politics.

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11. Oh thank God, the food’s here. Time to check in with your kid.

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12. “Are you having a good time? Yes? Are you sure? Because we can go. I don’t mind, we can totally go. I’ll take you to get ice cream. Oh you want to stay? Oh…okay.”

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13. Did that…did that parent just cut up a nine-year-old’s pizza into bite sized pieces? Judging. Them.

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14. Did…did one of those uppity bitches just try to parent your kid?

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15. Can we please just sing happy birthday to this little shit so we can all eat cake and go home?

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16. Great, time for presents. Where everyone will try to guess how much you spent on the gift and judge you accordingly.

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17. And just when you think you can’t go on…

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18. The party host announces that time is up and thanks everyone for coming.

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19. And while everyone else makes empty promises about getting coffee, you grab your kid and are like “Thanks for having us.”

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20. You did it! You made it through the valley of the shadow of parenting.

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21. Oh, there’s another party next week?

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