9 Important Questions Marvel Forgot To Answer About “Thor”

Is a little exposition too much to ask for? Yes, yes it is.

1. So who exactly built all this Asgardian technology?

Marvel Studios

Marvel Studios

 

Because this just seems above Odin’s pay grade. And you can’t really believe a the equivalent of Asgardian teenagers got their heads out of their own asses long enough to get the engineering education necessary to construct floating modern art, a giant chicken head that shoots laser teleport beams, and a mountain top fortress. These people are clearly living in the remains of an ancient precursor society. But who?

2. Maybe the Jotun had a reason to be pissed off at Asgard?

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Unless you live in Thor’s simple brain, life is not divided into black and white. Frost giants don’t just travel to the backwater ass-end of Yggdrasil to make a life on Midgard without reason. When we see Jotunheim briefly it looks like Odin’s mountain palace — only you know, in ruins. Stay with me. Maybe Loki got played here. Because nothing gives a race of people more reason to hate you than being kicked out of the place they built and then hunted to near extinction to keep the secret ways home safe before having their Prince kidnapped to be raised by a one-eyed asshole.

3. Are we just not gonna talk about how Asgard is basically Discworld?

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Somewhere out in the vast reaches of space, over the course of many millennia, a giant turtle swims through the dark with four elephants on his back and booms, “Bitch stole my look.”

4. How does Frigga deal with her fuck-up of a co-parent?

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Because wow, Odin fails at dad-ing on every conceivable level. He starts by pitting his kids against each other at a young age, is surprised when his clear favorite turns out to be a vain, selfish asshole, and literally cannot stand under the weight of his own poor choices when he realizes maybe not telling his son he was adopted would drive a rift between them that could not be mended. Then he conveniently falls asleep, leaving his wife to deal with the fallout — which really she’s a saint for not stabbing him in his Odin-Sleep for pulling that bullshit — only to awaken just in time to tell his emotionally fragile kid his best wasn’t good enough then being surprised when said kid commits suicide. Seriously, someone get this guy to a community class on parenting.

5. Did no one notice Loki’s bipolar tendencies?

That’s the only explanation for his complete character shift halfway through the movie. Right up until the lying about Odin being dead and the megalomania and the punching Thor to death he was justified in feeling betrayed by his family and distrusted by his “friends.” He spends the first half of the film in the depression portion — feeling not good enough despite everyone around him assuring him it’s not true — until Odin fails parenting at which point the mania sets in — triggering a series of impulsively bad decisions that could have been avoided if anyone on Asgard had ever heard of therapy.

6. Where in the Nine Realms are all the adults that aren’t Odin and Frigga?

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So we’ve established Thor’s BFFs, the Warriors Three — Overgrown Dwarf, Prince Charming, and Norse Ninja — and Sif, are basically what bored teenagers with a god complex would behave like…because that’s what they are. But where are their parents? For that matter, where is everyone else? Sure there’s a handful of guards around and that huge crowd that turned out to see Thor’s new hat but then what? How does a society of people who don’t age, don’t need to eat, and don’t need to sleep function? Everyone offscreen is having a tantric orgy, aren’t they? AREN’T THEY?

7. How is Heimdall not insane?

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A man that stands on the edge of the universe, guarding a door 24/7 for hundreds of years without rest AND is capable of seeing everything in the known universe just sounds like a recipe for insanity.

8. Why does Thor suddenly care about the Frost Giants right when Loki is about to show him up — I mean, blow them up?

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There is literally no reason for this shift in opinion despite Thor’s magical long weekend to find the true meaning of being king. Odin was angry at Thor for fucking up and restarting the war, but nothing decisively ends a skirmish like eradicating the enemy’s entire planet from existence. Now, if the writers had thrown in a line about if the Bifrost destroys one of the Nine Realms, it has a chain reaction on Yggdrasil’s branches and destroys ALL the realms, then it would make sense. But they didn’t, so it doesn’t. Instead it just makes Thor look like a dick who’s bad at war games.

9. What the actual hell is this?

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No, seriously. What are we looking at?

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