12 Completely Unsubstantiated Rumors About Coachella 2014 That I Definitely Made Up Just Now

But a dude can dream, right?

1. Rumor: DAFT PUNK WILL PERFORM WITH PHARRELL

The Proof: Ah, yes, the perennial Coachella rumor. But Pharrell was featured on not one, but TWO Daft Punk singles in 2013; “Get Lucky” was THE song of the summer, and “Lose Yourself to Dance” was arguably the best song on Random Access Memories. How could this not be happening?

2. Rumor: Miley Cyrus AND Robin Thicke will crash Pharrell William’s set, pissed they didn’t get the invite. Miley will proceed to stick out her tongue and Robin Thicke will grope an unsuspecting dancer.

The Proof: Is in the pudding.

3. Rumor: Flo will be back. This time as Calvin Harris’ very special guest.

Proof: She’s a goddess and I want her to whisper Sweet Nothings in my ear.

4. Rumor: Chance the Rapper will be joined on stage by Childish Gambino

The Proof: Just watch the video. The surfing is obviously an allusion to crowd surfing, while the glowsticks envoke the very culture of Coachella. Also, this sh!t my Favorite Song.

5. Rumor: The Dream of the 90s is ALIVE at Coachella 2014

Proof: I’m not saying that Carrie Brownstein and Fred Armisen ARE gonna be at Coachella, but I’m also not NOT saying they won’t be. How else to explain Beck, Outkast, Pet Shop Boys, Fatboy Slim, and Queens of the Stone Age?!?!?!

6. Rumor: Zedd will bring out Hayley Williams, “Clarity” fans will cry.

Proof: The Sahara tent demands special guests.

7. Rumor: TSwift will force Ellie Goulding to let her come out for a song when new BFF, Lorde, proclaims “F#@K OFF!”

Proof: Cause as far as Taylor’s concerned, Ellie owes her. Anything Could Happen, right?

8. Rumor: Fellow headliners and sisters extraordinaire, HAIM, will join Kid Cudi on stage to perform this epic song.

The Proof: Uh, because if they don’t it would be an epically huge missed opportunity.

9. Rumor: After taking the time to set up his decks for a rousing performance of “Wake Me Up” with Aloe Blacc, Avicii will wonder aloud, “Why didn’t you just perform your acoustic version, Aloe?” Aloe will shrug.

Proof: Cause why would Avicii even make the trip?

10. Rumor: Leonardo DiCaprio and Carey Mulligan will wander the Indio Polo Grounds from Bryan Ferry’s set to Outkast’s to Lana Del Rey’s hoping to hear music from “The Great Gatsby,” while they stare at each other longingly.

The Proof: Love is the Drug, Crazy in Love, Back to Black, Young and Beautiful

11. Rumor: Millennials, high on the electricity of the dry desert air will wander over to Motörhead’s set curiously, immediately turn away in droves.

Proof: Upon the first chords played, thousands of buzzes will be simultaneously killed.

12. Rumor: Arcade Fire will perform in their giant heads; there will be disco balls.

The Proof: None. It’s just a hunch.

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