The 10 Absolute Worst Places To Be Relocated

Not that you would ever want to be in a situation where you were forcibly relocated by the Witness Protection Program, but if you did, you definitely wouldn’t want to end up in any of these locations. If you were lucky, you could at least end up in New York City like the guys on “Delocated,” but even then, you’d have to wear a ski mask all the time. To see more of what it’s like getting relocated, watch Delocated on Thursdays at midnight, only on Adult Swim. posted on

1. Siberia, Russia

Usually covered in multiple feet of snow and everywhere is the middle of nowhere, you wouldn’t want to be caught dead in Siberia. And believe me, many people have been.

2. St. Helena

After escaping imprisonment from Elba Island, Napoleon was ultimately left here—in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean—and surrounded by British soldiers. It’s his resting place, and it is typically regarded as the most isolated place in the world; currently there isn’t even an operating airport and you can only reach it by container ships. So yeah, you probably wouldn’t want to get stuck here.

3. Devil’s Island, French Guiana

Formerly a penal colony, no convict has ever escaped it alive, and now it’s wholly abandoned. In either case, it may look pretty, but looks can—and often are—deceiving.

4. Your Parents’ Basement

A lot of people might be doing it these days, but let’s face it. No-one wants to, first of all, move back in with their parents really. And second, you can’t even move into your old room because now it’s the “study.” Plus, you’ll be sleeping among all the rejected old toys, not the cool ones that are still upstairs.

5. Buford, Wyoming

Not only is Buford located in Wyoming—the least-populated state in the US—but Buford is the smallest locality in the country as well. Until 2008, the town’s population was two, but then Don Sammons’s (who is also the mayor) son moved out, leaving the population at the loneliest number.

6. New York City

Hey, NYC might not be that bad, but it can be pretty awful when you show up there under the pretense of “achieving your dreams,” in a “luxurious loft” in Manhattan, the beauty of the “concrete jungle,” and all that. Instead, you’ll probably end up like the guys on Delocated, living in, uh… less than ideal settings. But at least you (probably) won’t be a part of a reality show or in the Witness Protection Program. Well, at least not that last part.

7. Hamburger University

There’s not really much that needs to be said about this. “Hamburger University” is the “accredited institution” for people aspiring to be McDonald’s managers and higher-ups. Yeah.

8. Svalbard

The northernmost settlement in the world, Svalbard is an island located between the Arctic Circle and Norway. Its capital, Longyearbyen, was formerly a hub for whaling. Now it just holds a vault with seeds from all over the world, obviously. Oh, and there’s a lot of reindeer running around. Also, the average temperature in summer is 44 degrees, and it’s generally in the negatives for the rest of the year.

9. Scottsdale, Arizona

Scottsdale is known for its resorts and beautiful golf courses. Also, its extremely snobbish, horrifying people. “John,” a former resident who now lives in Newport, California, perhaps says it best:

I lived in Scottsdale for a few of my years in Arizona. It’s a fun town with lots of fantastic restaurants, fun wine bars, and a great singles scene if you’re a young man with money in his pocket and not looking for a serious relationship. My wife and I still go back and visit once a year or so for the food, but would never live there again due to the miserable pretentious people. I’m a very successful entrepreneur, and instead of embracing me, the locals with their leased BMWs and Rolexes bought on credit snubbed me because they absolutely can’t stand the presence of someone who is truly successful. Scottsdale is a haven of phonies who live on over-extended credit and HELOC loans. I packed my bags and moved to a city full of real successful people and have found it to be far friendlier here.

It’s downright unfriendly and in fact we never even met most of our neighbors. They would come home, pull into the garage, and close the door as soon as the bumper cleared in order to avoid talking to anyone. My street in “affluent” north Scottsdale was always full of repo men banging on people’s doors and the cable guy disconnecting people for non-payment.

If you’re a pro-douchebag who likes to make a “showing” then Scottsdale is for you. If you’re legitimately successful, live somewhere else and only vacation there for the good golf and restaurants.

10. The Yukon

Sure, the Yukon is beautiful in its untouched majesty, but would you really want to deal with more than 200,000 square miles of emptiness? The biggest town in the entire territory has only 22,000 people in it, and there aren’t roads transversing the the whole area. Good luck getting home.

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