1. Having a teenage moustache cemented your status as cool.
2. That, and getting your hands on a fake ID.
3. You're an expert at turning people's insecurities into punchlines.
4. And also at hiding your own.
5. Which future girlfriends have pointed out as a character flaw.
6. You learnt everything you know about the fairer gender from pornography.
7. And watching the Babe Station free view hour at sleepovers.
8. You knew everyone by their surname.
9. You understood that making the First XV meant everything.
10. But if you didn't make it, that was fine. The seconds had better banter anyway.
11. Blazers were best used as goal posts.
12. And were interchangeable, regardless of size.
Which was something your mum failed to understand.
13. The thought of taking a communal shower still fills you with dread.
14. There's nothing funnier than drawing a cock and balls on something that isn't yours.
15. You've mastered the art of tucking a rogue erection into your waist band.
16. And of pissing into* a urinal from 16 feet away.
*or near
17. You can smell weakness in a supply teacher the moment they enter a room.
18. You always had good questions in Science lessons.
19. “A Kit-Kat she wanted… two fingers she got!”
20. You took a condom to school discos, just in case.
21. Every time you fart, you want to high five.
22. And you're pretty much certain that your school days couldn't have been better.
