What The State You Live In Says About You

A highly scientific conversation.

Alabama should really just be its own country at this point.”
“I dated someone from Alabama and he was missing a side tooth.”
“Everyone in Alabama has gotten their entire bodies stuck in mud at least thrice.”
“Babies come out of the womb with shoulder pads and helmets.”
“Holding a glass of sweet tea.”
“Probably the kindest baby you’ll ever meet.”

“If you’re from Alaska and you don’t know how to fish and hunt, I just don’t even know what you’re doing with your life.”
“People from Alaska are probably very resourceful.”
“Their cheeks are always red.”
“They’ve probably never heard of Ryan Seacrest.”

“I feel like I’m sweating just thinking of Arizona.”
“I stepped off a plane in Arizona once and it was literally the hottest day of my life.”
“They are all aware of how to survive a scorpion attack, which is something no one else knows.”
“I’ve never been to Arizona, but I picture it being identical to the surface of Mars, just with snakes.”
“Everyone drives used cars in Arizona.”

Arkansas is Bill Clinton.”
“I can’t point to Arkansas on a map. No idea where it is.”
“I forget Arkansas is a state all the time.”
“Sounds like a pirate Kansas.”
“Everyone in Arkansas is ready and willing to give you whatever ingredient you need to finish your cookies.”
“Everyone in Arkansas is the best neighbor you’ll ever have.”

“Nothing to eat in California but avocados and tacos.”
“Northern California makes cold look glamorous.”
“Everyone’s got a pool in their backyard, even when they don’t.”
“Eighty-seven percent of Californians’ conversations involve the words ‘animal style.’”
“People from California will throw up in their mouths if they spot someone eating a Twinkie.”

Colorado strikes me as a place with a lot of streams.”
“And a lot of weed.”
“You are only allowed to wear flannel in Colorado.”
“People from Colorado have really great Instagram feeds.”
“They invented the #nofilter hashtag.”

Connecticut is the part of New England that the rest of us pretend isn’t really part of New England.”
“Connecticut has a lot of gazebos.”
“Every household has three pairs of Ugg boots.”
“I really want to fart loudly in front of someone from Connecticut.”

“Does it truly exist?
Delaware is the Ann Veal of states.”
“Egg?”

Washington, D.C. isn’t really a state, but let’s do it anyway.”
“Everyone in D.C. owns four pairs of dress pants.”
“They sleep in a bed made of dress pants.”
“Plus, they all have exceptional balance because of cobblestones and that narrow staircase from The Exorcist.”

Florida has a lot of GUSTO.”
“People fighting gators fighting people.”
“A beautiful, beautiful mixture of the world’s craziest people.”
“If Florida were a person, that person would be a star on MTV.”
“Florida is the Real World of planet Earth.”
“I want to party with every single person from Florida.”

Georgia has nice old ladies and girls in big dresses.”
“Also REM.”
“Right now there’s an old granny sitting on her porch in her rocking chair, watching her puppy run in the fields.”
“She’s saying that she knows it’s going to rain because she can ‘feel it in my leg.’”

“One hundred percent of what I know of Hawaii is from that Full House episode when Joey hallucinates a hot babe the whole time.”
“That may be all you need to know.”
“People in Hawaii seem like they would ask ‘How are you?’ and actually care about your response.”
“They just want to invite you over for family dinner.”

Idaho is the most underrated state in the country.”
“But WHAT is going on at the top of the state? Some dastardly stuff.”
“I always hear about this fry sauce and hope someday I can try it.”
“I’d like to play catch with someone from Idaho.”

“As far as I’m concerned, it should be called Chicago instead of Illinois.”
“If you live within a 25-mile radius of Chicago you can say you’re from Chicago.”
“I’ve been to southern Illinois… it’s a scary place. Mostly Juggalos.”
“Everyone in Illinois is very friendly. They’re also all 35 years old.”

“Everyone in Indiana has celebrated Drive Your Tractor to School Day.”
“And Take Your Tractor To Work Day.”
“Everyone in Indiana is eating corn RIGHT NOW.”

“No one in Iowa leaves if they’re born there.”
“Everyone in Iowa wears overalls.”
“People in Iowa hate when people think they’re from Idaho.”

Kansas is just one long dirt road.”
“If you live in Kansas, your entire body is permanently coated in a thin layer of dust kicked up by a solitary car traveling down a lonely road.”
“People from Kansas always have a piece of straw in their mouth.”

“Everyone I have met from Kentucky has destroyed my stereotypes of it.”
“I will never be able to pronounce ‘Louisville.’”
“Luhhhh-vul.”
“Luuuuuuuuuvaaaa.”
“Loov.”
“Kentucky people love talking about how much they love Kentucky.”

Louisiana is basically New Orleans and swamps.”
“Most of Louisiana is haunted swamps.”
“I bet everyone there has really good ghost stories.”
“Like a soupier Alabama.”
“I had a gator po’boy once. It was incredible.”
“Everyone in Louisiana seems to have way more fun than me.”

“Everyone I’ve met from Maine has been so nice.”
“I’ve never known anyone from Maine.”
“They don’t turn the heat on in the winter.”
“They all have tiny row boats they built themselves.”
“The sun is literally always setting in Maine.”

Maryland is just The Wire and people tying sweaters around their shoulders.”
“Everybody in Maryland has very sensible names like Bob and Susan.”
“You do not want to be on a long car ride with someone from Maryland.”
“They’d bore you with crab cake recipes and stories about how great Maryland summers are.”

“Fifty percent of people from Massachusetts says they’re from Boston, even though they’re not from Boston.”
“People from Massachusetts like talking about their summer camp experiences.”
“They leave their ski tags on their winter jackets to be like, ‘Hey, I went skiing.’”
“I’m getting drunk just thinking about Massachusetts.”

“Everyone knows someone who went to college in Michigan.”
“No one in Michigan owns a new sweatshirt.”
“My friend’s dad took Madonna to prom in Michigan.”
“Everything in Michigan is frozen for 11 months out of the year. But, man, that one month is awesome.”
“People from Michigan only take vacations to other parts of Michigan.”

“People in Minnesota play Duck, Duck, Gray Duck instead of Duck, Duck, Goose.”
“That’s messed up.”
“Everyone sounds like the mom on Bobby’s World.
“Don’t cha know?!”
“Everyone is way too nice.”
“And everyone has a mullet haircut they play hockey in.”
“There’s also always 3 feet of snow on the ground.”
“AND THERE’S PRINCE!”

Mississippi is the most exciting state to spell.”
“People in Mississippi can COOK.”
“People in Mississippi seem really threatening, but they’re huge softies.”
“No one has been on vacation to Mississippi.”
“What do they say in Mississippi when it’s like ‘the best blah blah this side of the Mississippi’?”
“Oh. My. God.”

“Is Missouri the south of the Midwest?”
“It’s the country but not southern.”
“Everybody has an Uncle Chuck from Missouri.”
“People from Missouri like to joke that it’s “misery,” but get really defensive when you do it.”

Montana is where cowboys retire.”
“It’s like a postcard.”
“Everyone knows how to ride a horse without a saddle.”
“Everybody there has helped birth a horse by age 5.”

“Everyone in Nebraska shares one worn-in denim jacket.”
“What the hell is Nebraska, even?”
“Everyone’s dad owns a convenience store.”
“No one from Nebraska can remember their first cigarette.”

“There are more mustaches in Nevada than in any other state.”
“People in Nevada wear socks with sandals.”
“They only eat at buffets.”
“The best place to people watch is in Nevada.”
“They have never seen rain.”
“Prepare to be physically assaulted if you pronounce it ‘Nevahhhhhda’ instead of ‘Nevaaaaahda.’”

“People in New Hampshire love boat shoes but don’t own boats.”
“Everyone in New Hampshire lost their virginity on the dock of a scenic lake.”
“Everyone just wears sweaters tied around their neck. Nothing else.”

“People in New Jersey get super angry when you say bad things about New Jersey.”
“They’re always a five-minute walk from a strip mall.”
“It’s the only state where people still buy hair gel.”
“Every single person owns a shirt that says ‘ITALIA’ on it.”
“Everyone who lives there can name all the strip clubs in New Jersey, even if they’ve never gone to them.”
“They love diners. And Medieval Times.”
“They’re also a lot nicer than they’re given credit for.”

New Mexico? Meth.”
“Meth.”
“Yup, everyone’s on meth.”
“Also, I’ve heard there’s a lot of bacon.”
“Everybody who lives in New Mexico only wears shirts that are two sizes too big.”
“I bet it’s way prettier than Arizona.”
“Green chile is New Mexico’s lifeblood.”

“Everyone who lives in New York thinks the place where they live is the best part of New York.”
“It’s a city made out of hot garbage.”
“People actually from New York always make it a point to tell you they were born and raised there.”
“Everyone upstate owns a Northface and plays lacrosse.”
“They spend most of their time eating cider donuts and apple picking.”
“And, of course, eating Stewarts ice cream.”

“Everyone in North Carolina has an Outer Banks decal on the back of their car.”
“They’re all very good-looking.”
“They bathe in Cheerwine.”
“And sweet tea.”
“They always get upset about how you pronounce ‘Appalachian.’”
“All they wear wear are Rainbow flip-flops and Croakies.”

North Dakota is mostly tornadoes.”
“Everyone in North Dakota is unsure of what year it is.”
“They all have shag carpets.”
“Still better than South Dakota.”

“Everyone who lives in Ohio always talks about leaving Ohio, but they never do.”
“Everyone is from or will be from Ohio at one point in their lives.”
“They all have Ohio State tattoos.”
“Cornhole is a religion.”
“Ohioans eat their cereal with ranch dressing instead of milk.”

“Only bad things happen to Oklahoma.”
“Oklahoma people always brag about how cheap their beer is.”
“Everyone in Oklahoma will welcome you into their crazy family.”
“Every single person would lend you money if you asked them.”
“I kind of wish I were from Oklahoma.”

Oregon is so pretty.”
“It’s like what the Earth was like before humans.”
“Oregon is where people from California go to do mushrooms.”
“If I had to go on a spiritual journey, but wanted to make sure I was safe, I would go to Oregon.”
“It’s also literally nothing like the Oregon Trail game.”

“Every railroad starts in Pennsylvania.”
“If I had to build a railroad, I would feel super confident in hiring someone from Pennsylvania.”
“Pennsylvanians like to deck out their basements and get drunk in them.”
“Yuengling is their tap water.”

“People from Rhode Island love trinkets.”
“Everyone knows one another in Rhode Island.”
“I would feel OK leaving my front door unlocked in Rhode Island.”
“You can probably get a good dream catcher there.”
“Coffee milk.”

“I only know three people from South Carolina and they’re all wonderful.”
“Bill Murray lives in South Carolina.”
“Everyone in South Carolina reading a book outside in a sundress right now.”
“And eating cheese grits.”
“Everyone is happy to let you crash on their couch.”

South Dakota does not exist.”

“Everyone’s uncle in Tennessee knows everyone else’s uncle in Tennessee.”
“And that uncle owns a BBQ joint.”
“And a moonshine still in their bathtub.”
“They all have great music taste.”
“I want someone from Tennessee to make me a playlist.”

Texas is literally its own country.”
“Everyone in Texas loves being from Texas.”
“Every single person has their own brand of sauce.”
“Everyone in Texas has won a fist fight.”
“…That they started.”
“The only thing they’re afraid of is snow.”

“You can always tell when someone is from Utah.”
“Is that a bad thing?”
“No way. Literally everyone there is nicest person you will meet in your life.”
“Someday, somewhere, someone from Utah will buy you lunch.”

“The thing people from Vermont care most about in life is their syrup.”
“They are syrup elitists.”
“People from Vermont have never seen warm a day in their lives.”
“They all wear shorts when it’s 40 degrees.”
“People from Vermont always look like they just got back from the mountain.”

“I bet Virginia has excellent preschool programs.”
“People in Virgina like to get drunk and sing ‘Sweet Home Alabama.’”
“Everyone only zips their sweaters three-fourths of the way up.”
“The state pastime is waving at people from a lawnmower.”

Washington is just a bunch of really good-looking people who have just walked in from the rain.”
“Everyone is constantly shaking out umbrellas.”
“People from Washington are always happy you’re in Washington.”
“I bet everyone in Washington is good at Scrabble.”
“They’re probably all good at picking sweaters.”
“Everyone has a bottle opener.”

“The most terrifying place in the United States is West Virginia.”
“Everyone in West Virginia just wants to make slip-n-slides out of blue tarps and drink moonshine.”
“There is no electricity in West Virginia.”
“I bet it’s a lot of fun.”

“People from Wisconsin love fireworks.”
“Everyone’s last name is Anderson.”
“They all have cabins that they built themselves.”
“People from Wisconsin have a great sense of humor about their state.”
“The biggest problem people from Wisconsin have is choosing a cheese from a cheese platter.”
“And deciding whose place to watch the Packers game at.”

Wyoming is literally the same state as Montana.”

Additional contributions were made to this article by Logan Rhoades, Lauren Yapalater, Tracy Clayton, Tanya Chen, Sami Main, Justin Carissimo, Chelsea Marshall, Adam Davis, and Marie Telling. You guys rock, NEVER CHANGE!!!

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