1. By creating corporate loopholes for companies that put chains in the way of EVERYTHING.
2. By signing a bill into law that makes grills extra slippery.
3. By SOMEHOW allowing cookies to get bigger than the glasses they are meant to be dunked in.
4. By outsourcing hat factories, thus preventing the production of quality hats.
5. By instituting a ban on electric pencil sharpeners, resulting in a deformed pencil epidemic.
6. By putting banana peels on fashion runways.
7. By continuing conflict not only in the Middle East, but also with the d-bag neighbors from across the street.
8. By forcing all Slurpees to resemble the horrible, sad, disappointing bottom Slurpee section.
9. By allowing good old-fashioned American trays to be replaced by these wonky Chinese ones.
10. By refusing to acknowledge our country’s very serious soda-rolling problem.
11. By turning a blind eye to the very real danger that is ice cream that’s frozen too hard.
12. By making it much harder to kick a sign when you’re just feelin’ a little peeved.
13. By conspiring with the liberals in Congress to make all sandwiches land face down in the worst situations.
14. By cutting back funding on the nation’s superhero initiative, thus leaving the role of Spider-Man to this bumbling idiot.
15. By forcing this dude to eat his facial hair.
16. By imposing a new big government regulation to shrink the size of dominoes, resulting in tragedies like this.
17. By changing the Earth’s gravitational field, thus making it much more difficult to execute a successful backflip.
18. By giving you all the bad letters in Scrabble.
19. By making the snow in the Arctic regions extra cold, just to screw around with some poor polar bears.
20. By thinking it’s somehow OK to get a bunch of bees drunk before they have to go to work at the hive.
21. By bribing this dog to throw the dog show because he’s a much bigger fan of hounds.
22. By telepathically giving this child a horrible haircut, thus setting him up for ridicule.
23. By gluing this poor drummer’s music sheets together “just for a giggle.”
24. By refusing to acknowledge the pain and suffering our nation’s tape users go through each day.
25. By forcing good, hardworking Americans into carrying all their cleaning supplies at once.
26. And by hanging out with Tom Hanks and not inviting me.
In The News Today
- President Obama on Monday declared a major disaster in South Carolina, where floods have killed at least 12 people and left tens of thousands stranded. ›
- California has become the fifth U.S. state to legalize physician-assisted suicide for terminally ill patients. ›
- Russia is reportedly preparing to send ground troops to aid Syria's campaign against rebel forces. ›