• 1. The Phoenix Suns: Suns Gorilla

    I have a few problems with this one. First of all, as far as I know, Gorillas are not native to Arizona or any other of the continuous United States. Second, they have absolutely nothing to do with a big burning ball of fire. I think I may have worked out the Sun’s reasoning: Gorillas live on Earth, and Earth is located conviently adjacent to the sun. Boom. We’ve got our mascot.

  • 2. University of Akron: Zippy the Kangaroo

    Apparently this team is named after the zipper, which was invented in Akron, Ohio. So what’s the first thing that comes to mind when you think zipper? Easy. Kangaroo.

  • 3. Philadelphia 76ers - Hip-Hop the Rabbit

    The big question facing the 76ers front office: we have a team named after the American Revolution… how do we pay homage to our founding fathers? Answer: a bandanna and sunglasses clad rabbit named Hip-Hop. Thomas Jefferson would be proud.

  • 4. Utah Jazz: Jazz Bear

    Have you ever seen a bear play jazz or in a jazz club? I don’t think so. And if you have, that sounds like the coolest jazz club ever.

  • 5. Oklahoma City Thunder: Rumble Bison

    Would it have been hard to find a lightning costume? Probably not. Would it have been hard to get a costume of Zeus? I don’t think so. But can Zeus play the drums? No, no he cannot.

  • 6. Houston Rockets - Clutch the Bear

    I would not trust that thing near a rocket or any sort of missile, spacecraft, or vehicle. Or my children.

  • 7. Stanford University Cardinals: Stanford Tree

    Okay, before you start making jokes about Stanford students smoking “trees” when they came up with this, look at the mascot. The tree easily wins the prize for scariest mascot on this list. This thing is going to give me nightmares.

  • 8. Sacramento Kings - Slamson the Lion

    Why don’t they just dress up a dude like a king? My guess: Burger King would sue.

  • 9. Columbus Blue Jackets - Stinger

    WHY IS HE GREEN?!

  • 10. Iowa State Cyclones - Cy the Cardinal

    I’ve got this one: Cyclones and Cardinals both start with the letter ‘C.’ Easy.

  • 11. Detroit Red Wings - Al the Octopus

    Scene: the costume store is all out of bird costumes, or any other costume with wings. What’s the closest thing to a bird? An octopus. And an angry one at that.

  • 12. Philadelphia Phillies - Phillie Phanatic

    Seriously though, what the fuck is this thing?