50 Things You Will Never Get For Christmas Again

Warning: This is the saddest thing you’ll read all day.

1. These stylin’ roller skates:

2. Or a fresh pair of Moon Shoes/shoes that will wreck your ankles:

3. The best movie tie-in ever, the Talkboy:

4. A robot dog that does flips, the Poo-chi:

5. The hip alternative to the Game Boy:

6. Or the original Game Boy:

7. Or maybe the ORIGINAL MP3 player:

8. Lazer Tag: the much less wet alternative to Super Soakers:

11. Hot Shot Basketball:

12. A whole bunch of sweet, sweet orange tapes:

13. Or the original portable DVD player:

14. One of these bad boys:

15. The Rolls-Royce of two-wheeled vehicles:

16. Or the Rolls-Royce of finger transportation:

17. The board game with the best jingle ever:

18. Quite possibly the most stressful game ever made:

19. See-through phones:

20. An oven that uses a lightbulb but still somehow makes delicious, EZ food:

22. Tamagotchis, a fake pet that somehow still poops everywhere:

23. An even faker pet that still poops everywhere, Digimon:

24. Velcro Catch:

25. THIS CASTLE:

26. The future of art:

27. Or just every art supply you ever need:

28. Or just these strange, strange things:

30. Or maybe Gak’s strange, mutant cousin, Floam:

31. Sky Dancers, a fun toy that will also knock out your eye:

32. K’Nex…

33. Or Legos. Choose your own adventure:

35. Super Soakers:

36. Any game with these guys in them:

37. A brand-new sports car:

38. Or a brand-new SUV:

39. A fresh, new pack of crayons hot off the presses:

40. Or a brand-spankin’-new pack of these bad boys:

41. A sweet-smelling Koosh:

42. The original digital camera:

44. A brand-new map:

45. A Skip-It, because everyone needs the “ball and chain” experience:

49. 24-carat jelly jewelry:

50. And a bunch of Beanie Babies, which will all definitely be worth thousands of dollars some day:

Still waiting.

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