1. Dorothy Parker vs. a drunk:
Drunk man: "I can't bear fools."
Parker: "Apparently your mother could."
2. Calvin Coolidge vs. some random lady at a White House dinner:
Woman: "Mr. Coolidge, I've made a bet against a fellow who said it was impossible to get more than two words out of you."
Coolidge: "You lose."
3. Winston Churchill vs. Lady Astor:
Lady Astor: "If I was your wife, sir, I would poison your coffee."
Churchill: "If I was your husband, I would drink it.
4. Judge Rockwood Hoar vs. Mr. Wendell Phillips:
Judge Rockwood Hoar, after being asked if he would attend Mr. Wendell Phillip's funeral, replied: "No, I am not invited, but I approve of it nevertheless."
5. P.G. Wodehouse on dating:
Wodehouse: "She looked as if she had been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say 'when.'"
6. Irving Stone vs. William Jennings Bryan:
Stone: "His mind was like a soup dish, wide and shallow; it could hold a small amount of nearly anything, but the slightest jarring spilled the soup into somebody's lap."
7. Truman Capote vs. Jack Kerouac:
Capote: "That's not writing, that's typing."
8. Abraham Lincoln vs. the haters:
Lincoln, after being called two-faced: "I leave it to my audience. If I had another face, do you think I would wear this one?"
9. Elizabeth Taylor vs. every male lead she ever worked with:
Taylor: "Some of my best leading men have been dogs and horses."
10. Muhammad Ali vs. Joe Frazier:
Ali: "Joe Frazier is so ugly he should donate his face to the U.S. Bureau of Wildlife."
11. Calvin Coolidge vs. an audience member:
Audience member: "What do you think of the singer's execution?"
Coolidge: "I'm all for it."
12.Mahatma Gandhi vs. the Western world:
Reporter: "What do you think of Western civilization?"
Ghandi: "I think it would be a good idea."
13. Thomas Reed vs. Henry Clay:
Clay: "I would rather be right than be president."
Reed: "The gentleman need not trouble himself. He'll never be either."
14. Ernest Hemingway vs. William Faulkner:
Faulkner: "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
Hemingway: "Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
15. Babe Ruth vs. President Hoover:
Ruth, after being told by a reporter that he made more money than President Hoover: "Maybe so, but I had a better year than he did."
16. Winston Churchill vs. a member of Parliament
MP: "Mr. Churchill, must you fall asleep while I'm speaking?"
Churchill: "No, it's purely voluntary."
17. Speaker of the House Nicholas Longworth vs. a member of the House:
The House member, after rubbing Speaker Longworth's bald head: "Nice and smooth, feels just like my wife's bottom."
Longworth, running his own hand over his head: "Indeed, it does!"
18. Edna Ferber vs. Noel Coward:
Noel Coward: "Edna, you look almost like a man."
Edna Ferber: "So do you."
19. Truman Capote vs. a drunk man:
Capote, after a drunk man pulled his genitals out and asked Capote to autograph them: "I don't know if I can autograph it, but perhaps I can initial it."
20. Winston Churchill vs. the haters:
Person: "You're drunk. And what's more, you're disgustingly drunk."
Churchill: "You're ugly. And what's more, you're disgustingly ugly. But when I wake up, I'll be sober, and you'll still be ugly."
21. Miriam Hopkins vs. an anonymous singer:
Singer: "You know, my dear, I insured my voice for $50,000."
Hopkins: "That's wonderful. And what did you do with the money?"
22. John Wilkes vs. John Montagu:
Montagu: "Sir, I do not know whether you will die on the gallows or of the pox."
Wilkes: "That will depend, my lord, on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."
23. Bill Clinton vs. Dan Quayle:
Clinton, after Dan Quayle revealed that he planned to be "a pitbull" in the 1992 campaign against Clinton and Gore: "That's got every fire hydrant in America worried."
25. Sen. Fritz Hollings vs. Henry McMastor:
Hollings, when challenged by his Republican opponent during a televised debate to take a drug test: "I'll take a drug test, if you'll take an IQ test."
26. Ilka Chase vs. an anonymous actress:
Actress: "I enjoyed reading your book. Who wrote it for you?"
Chase: "Darling, I'm so glad that you liked it. Who read it to you?"
27. Billy Wilder vs. a hater:
Wilder: "He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
28. Jack E. Leonard vs. an enemy:
Leonard: "There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
29. Dorothy Parker vs. New Yorker Editor Harold Ross:
Parker, after Harold Ross interrupted her on her honeymoon to ask why she was late with a book review: "I'm too fucking busy, and vice versa."
30. James Reston vs. Richard Nixon:
Reston: "He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebearers, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."
31. Winston Churchill vs. George Bernard Shaw:
Shaw: "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend. If you have one."
Churchill: "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
32. Mae West vs. a random man:
West: "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
33. Reverend Edward Everett Hale vs. the U.S. Senate:
Hale, when asked if he prayed for the Senators: "No. I look at the Senators and pray for the country."
34. Moses Hadas vs. a rival:
Hadas: "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
35. James Joyce to a fan:
Joyce, after a fan asked if they could kiss "the hand that wrote Ulysses": "No, it did a lot of other things too."
36. Chico Marx to his wife:
Marx, after being caught kissing another woman: "I wasn't kissing her, I was just whispering in her mouth."
37. And, of course:
