1. Let’s get a few things out of the way:
We all know the plot of Home Alone II. We all know that it’s the best Christmas movie ever made. We all know that it’s super messed up to forget your child, the fruit of your loins, on vacation for the SECOND TIME in one year. We all know this.
3. Let’s focus on the part of the movie that’s supremely fucked up: this little boy, Kevin, straight up TORTURES and MURDERS two people.
4. Kevin begins his rampage by throwing bricks off a SIX STORY BUILDING and somehow hitting the person below with PINPOINT accuracy.
Are we led to believe that a grown adult male can simply walk away after being hit by bricks square in the nose? Are we led to believe that this man’s nose would be intact after receiving such a serious injury? A quick google search for “terminal velocity of a brick” revealed some numbers I don’t understand, but I think it’s safe to assume a brick at terminal velocity would bust your dang head open.
5. After being hit by four consecutive bricks, Marv is stapled three times: once in the rear end, once in the groin, and once in the FACE.
Fine. We’ve all seen videos of people getting stape’d on http://www.YouTube.com/StapleVids. Still, it’s important we acknowledge that Marv receives a staple to the groin. I don’t think I need to go into detail about what this would mean for Marv. However, I’m going to go into detail about what this would mean for Marv. Marv’s penis is destroyed. Completely, utterly destroyed. #DestroyedPenis. Let’s get it trending, folks. Like a roll of cinnamon bun dough. This little boy has taken the Marv’s giblets and, with it, Marv’s manhood.
6. Marv proceeds to fall about 15 feet right onto his face.
Absolutely NOTHING hits the ground - the CEMENT ground - before his face. His face is the only thing that breaks his fall. You know what happens to people who fall 15 feet with only their face to break the fall? They don’t have a face anymore. They have to wear a cape and become the titular character in a musical about the opera.
7. Joe Pesci then begins his assault on the apartment. He hops onto a fire escape ladder and proceeds to fall onto his back.
I don’t know how you get up after this. How can you even walk after falling like this - your back would be destroyed. I dropped a napkin behind my couch and was bedridden for two days after trying to reach back and grab it. I am a healthy 22 year old male. Furthermore, how does Joe Pesci not have lingering medical issues from last Christmas? Joe Pesci is 86 years old (This is a guess. Joe Pesci very well may be several centuries old).
8. Okay, so Joe Pesci gets up, kicks a door open, and has a bunch of wrenches fall on him.
What are these wrenches made out of? Certainly these can’t be regulation wrenches. These have got to be Play-Skool kindergarten wrenches or else Joe would be severely concussed. Why did Kevin pack all these Play-Skool wrenches? How did he carry all these Play-Skool wrenches with him to New York and to the Upper West Side? How many children aren’t getting the one Play-Skool wrench they wanted for Christmas because of Kevin? How did an eight year old put a bag of wrenches on the ceiling? How?
9. Flash over to Afro Robber. A.R. has a huge shelf full of blue, green, and yellow paint that no self-respecting adult human would ever use to paint the interiors of a home fall on him.
I get the gag here. I get it. Paint falls on a guy - ha ha good one. Still, what kind of paint is this? I’m guessing it’s lead based based on the fact that these construction workers clearly don’t follow any other building regulations (Several holes in the floor? Every door unlocked?). Did any get in his eyes? I’m guessing some got in his eyes. This man is blind now. He will never see the Grand Canyon, the Pacific Ocean, his children. A child took this man’s sight. A child.
10. After this, Marv gets electrocuted so violently his skeleton is briefly visible.
Holy smokes. How is this even possible? Look, I’ve been shocked by more than a few lamps in my day, but has my skeleton ever shown? No. And you know why? Because if you turn into a skeleton in real life, you’re dead. You’re real dead. You’re real deal dead. Real deal Bradley Beal dead. Real deal Bradley Beal Stephen Spiel dead. You’ve shuffled off the mortal coil long ago, muchacho. You’ve been dead long enough for the flesh to leave your body. Marv is dead. Kevin killed a man. This is a movie from the grave.
11. A sack of flour then falls on the robber that looks like that kid who wouldn’t shut the hell up in your humanities class after he tries to climb upstairs, dying his hair white.
This isn’t even that crazy. Whatever. All I’m going to say is that if a huge bag of flour fell on your dome, you’d have some neck problems. Also, what is a huge bag of flour doing at a construction site? What are the construction workers using this flour to build? As a thickening agent? Are they eating the flour? Are the construction workers just sitting around eating flour?
12. Meanwhile, Joe Pesci gets his (very flammable) head lit on fire and sticks it in a toilet full of kerosene.
Do you see how big that explosion is? Literally the entire ground floor of this apartment building is filled with flames. There is no way Joe Pesci didn’t sustain severe burns during all this malarky.
Sidenote: Where are all the neighbors on this block? Did they not hear two adults yelling about how they’re going to murder a child? Do they not hear all the screams, the explosions? Are they just sitting there quietly laughing to themselves saying “only in New York!”
13. Not only is Joe Pesci okay after having his entire body COVERED IN FLAMES, but he receives NO burns.
His face is just covered in ash. Ash! How is all his skin still there? Kevin just pulled some damn biblical Job shit on Pesci. How does this man not have sores and boils all over his entire body? Kevin burned off all of Joe Pesci’s skin. Joe Pesci does not have skin anymore. Ol’ No-Skin Joe. Skinless Joe Jackson here. His acting career is over. Kevin took away this man’s livelihood.
14. JP then attempts to climb a ladder upstairs to Kevin.
Guess what? IT DOESN’T WORK! But, let’s be clear about a few things here: Joe Pesci holds onto the ladder for the entire duration of the fall. Joe Pesci should not have use of his fingers anymore. His fingers should be destroyed. They should look like a bunch of pieces of macaroni all over the card Kevin probably forgot to send his parents for Christmas.
15. Both Marv and Joe Pesci are able to somehow summon the strength to give their attempt at murdering a little boy another try, only to get hit by a giant pipe and fall about 15 feet.
Couple things - I’m willing to suspend my disbelief for a seconds here. I’ve read stories about mothers who gain superhuman powers when their children are in danger and are able to perform amazing tasks - lift cars, fight sharks, etc. I’m willing to say the same thing probably happens to people trying to murder children. So alright. But damn, these dudes are probably airborne for like 10 seconds before landing on their backs. There is no way they would be able to walk after an injury like this. These men will never walk again. JOE PESCI CAN’T WALK!!!
16. The two summon their strength, only to be slammed against a wall by a tool cabinet.
There are so many tools in this house. So many. There are tool bags, tool cabinets, and I’m going to assume that there are other compartments with tools in them. How many people are working on rebuilding this apartment complex? Do they need that many tools? They should fix that hole in the wall before they start hammering all the live long day. They should also stop eating flour.
17. Finally, the two robbers fall SEVERAL STORIES down a FLAMING ROPE (once again) onto their backs.
Okay. No. Why. These men are CERTAINLY dead by now. These men have died sixteen times. They literally fall off a building while ENGULFED IN FLAMES. This is some David Sedaris shit. They should look like the dude on the cover of that David Sedaris book. Yeah, I read books.
18. But NOPE! They get away until a homeless lady saves Kevin by covering Joe Pesci and Marv in bird feed and having a bunch of damn pigeons tear their damn skin off.
Seriously. Look at Marv’s face. It is DRIPPING blood. THIS MAN IS BLEEDING TO DEATH. He has had his MANHOOD taken away. He has had his BACK, his ABILITY TO WALK taken from him. HE WAS A G-D SKELETON FOR LIKE THREE SECONDS! AND NOW? AND NOW?! A BIRD IS EATING HIS SKIN OFF.
19. So how does this pigeon vagrant react? With uproarious laughter.
Jesus H. Christmas.