1. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs…
…because they always take things literally.
2. Who is this Rorschach guy?
And why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?
3. A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a Martinus.
“You mean a martini?” the bartender asks. The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”
4. René Descartes walks into a bar. Bartender asks if he wants anything.
René says, “I think not,” then disappears.
5. Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar…
…followed by Batman.
6. Yo momma’s so classless…
…she could be a Marxist utopia.
7. Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?
He’s 0K now.
8. An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, and so on.
After the seventh order, the bartender pours two beers and says, “You fellas ought to know your limits.”
9. Pavlov is sitting at a bar, when all of the sudden the phone rings…
Pavlov gasps, “Oh shit, I forgot to feed the dogs.”
10. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
11. Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “Do all of you want a drink?”
The first logician says, “I don’t know.”
The second logician says, “I don’t know.”
The third logician says, “Yes!”
12. How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
Ask them to pronounce “unionized.”
13. What’s the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
14. The other day my friend was telling me that I didn’t understand what irony meant.
Which is ironic, because we were standing at a bus stop.
15. There are two types of people in this world:
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
16. An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative.
But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.”
A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
17. A photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage.
The photon replies, “No, I’m traveling light.”
18. Your momma is so mean…
…she has no standard deviation.
19. I’m thinking about selling my theremin…
…I haven’t touched it in years.
20. What does the “B” in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot.
21. What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
Read more here!
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