When Kim Jong Ill died, he left his perviously weird dictatorship to his now 29-year old, overweight panda resembling, son Kim Jong Un. I think that Kim Jong Un is going to mess shit up in North Korea and leave his dead dad regretting ever giving him the reins to that weird little country. These are my top 5 reasons why Kim Jong Un is a shitty dictator.
(First off let me say I’m not racist toward asians in any way shape or form. A lot of my good friends are asians and they are smart motherfuckers and they can almost drink as much as me. This is just my perspective on Kim Jong Un and his soon to be shitty legacy).
1.) He Has Zero “Swag”
If you’ve seen pictures of Kim Jong Ill, you can easily tell that he was a bad-ass dictator. He rocked a mean sweatsuit and topped it off with designer sunglasses and a creepy smile that made babies cry. He made sure everyone in North Korea knew that he was the shit. But Kim Jong Un has no swag what so ever. For starters, his shitty hair. It looks like he went to great clips and decided he wanted to become the first North Korean Hipster. Maybe that will be cool once they have their own version of American Idol, but I don’t see that happening anytime soon. He wears the same shit every day, and never rocks any cool designer sunglasses. He’s the kid that always got wedgies and tittie twisters in the sushi line at school and in turn decided to eat his emotions, hence, his striking resemblance to a panda.
2.) The Epic Fail of the Long Range Missile Test
On April 12, North Korea tested its Long Range Missile, and it fucking sucked. Two minutes after “Lil’ Kim” (his new nickname, I decided) hit the big red button, the missile fizzled out, crashing into the sea. The whole point of the god damn missile test was for Kim Jong Un to showoff how tech savvy he was and that he has big asian balls. But apparently he doesn’t because that fucker went down fast. I wish I could’ve seen his face when he got word that it crashed. Im picturing a mix between a sad panda and a pissed off hello kitty.
3.) He Spent $15 on a New Website for North Korea
Kim Jong Un has been spending hundreds of millions, of whatever kind of money they have in North Korea, to build some badass rocket that wont fly. But when it came time to make their “North Korea Souvenir Store” website, they only spent $15 fucking dollars. Lil’ Kim should bag the whole idea of building big shinny missiles and re-invest his time in the lame website. He would have better luck trying to sell weird asian hats and wooden flip flops off the website, than trying to build some big ass rocket. With a little bit of luck, and an infomercial starring Godzilla and Hello Kitty fighting to the death, the country could really see an economic turn around.
4.) He’s a Pussy
After Kim Jong Un fucked up the missile test, South Korea decided it would be fun to announce that they had deployed a few cruise missiles, that could easily fuck up anything that moves in the North. What’s even funnier is that the South made this announcement during North Korea’s 100th anniversary of the “Day of the Sun”, the birthday of yet another “Kim Jong” who founded the shitty country. Well, Kim Jong Un wasn’t too stoked on this and is now demanding that the South Apologize for this highly insulting act, or “face a sacred war”, which is exactly what a pussy would say. If he was smart he wouldn’t say anything to the South and plan a super duper fucking sneaky attack. But he’s not, he’s a pussy and looks like a mentally disabled panda (I could have said “retarded” but my mom says it’s not a nice word to use).
5.) He’s a Virgin
Well, that’s not a fact…. But I like to pretend.