1. Hey, this isn’t going to be so bad.
2. Aunt Adele made her brisket. Grandma made her kugel.
3. This could work out okay!
4. So when’s the over/under until we can eat? 45 minutes? An hour?
5. Okay, maybe an hour and fifteen. But that’s it. Tops.
7. Gotta get the right table here. Table selection is crucial.
8. [fingers crossed, please be anything but the kids table]
9. It’s the kids table. It’s always the kids table.
10. They know how old I am, right?
11. Nobody of normal height should have to sit at a table this small.
12. So how old are my cousins? 12 and 14?
13. What do teenagers talk about these days? Boys? One Direction?
14. Wait… does my 12-year-old cousin have an iPhone? AN iPHONE???
15. And she’s on Instagram?
16. [sees how many likes one of her photos just got, dies]
17. How does a 12-year-old have this many Instagram followers?
18. Oh God, she’s on Snapchat too.
19. I’m so old.
20. Okay, okay, focus up. Uncle Sammy’s talking.
21. First cup of wine. Now we’re talking!
22. The kids table gets sparkling cider? Really?
23. Wave your hands at Dad, maybe that’ll get his attention.
26. Pretend to tip back a glass of wine, that should give him the right idea.
27. Nope, he’s sending over another bottle of Martinelli’s.
28. This is hopeless.
29. But at least we’re moving along pretty fast!
30. At this pace, we might be eating in 50 minutes. Huge!
31. Nobody should waste time making everyone washing their hands.
32. Hand washing is for suckers.
33. Karpas? I can handle karpas.
34. The key is just to dip the perfect amount. A good dip, and this thing is edible.
36. Too much.
37. Is anyone else getting hungry? I’m getting hungry.
38. Why didn’t I eat more bread this morning?
39. Okay, here we go. The Passover story.
40. This is where we could lose time.
41. Oh no no no no no.
42. Uncle Morty is telling the story.
43. Not Uncle Morty.
44. How does he even talk that slowly and still form words? WHO SPEAKS THIS SLOWLY??
45. We’re never going to eat.
47. Do you think anyone would notice if I try to sneak an extra piece of matzah here?
48. Dad noticed.
49. Okay, Dad’s mad.
50. Just focus on something else. Divert your eyes
51. Smile at one of your aunts.
52. Does Aunt Rebecca realize she has a gigantic hair growing out of her ear?
53. Don’t stare don’t stare don’t stare.
54. Does Uncle Dave have a really small head, or is that a really big yarmulke? Could go either way.
55. Wait, what?
56. Oh, crap, my turn to read.
57. [flips frantically through pages while simultaneously craning neck at the nearest Haggadah, trying to find the right page all while staying SUPER chill]
58. Am I supposed to try to read this in Hebrew? They know those seven years of Hebrew School didn’t really stick, right?
59. Okay, just read SOMETHING. “And we were slaves in the land of Egypt?” Maybe? No??
60. Dad is really pissed.
61. Just ask out loud what page we’re on. Page 24? Gonna take a while to live this one down.
62. At least we’re getting close here to the important part of the seder.
63. The food.
64. Big slabs of brisket. Big chunks of potatoes.
65. So close. We’re in range. Probably a good thing, too. The adult table is on their fourth bottle of Manischewitz.
66. Hey, time for the four questions!
67. Who’s the youngest one at this table?
68. Nobody look at me. DON’T LOOK AT ME.
69. Dad’s calling my name.
70. Karma sucks.
71. If we’re always supposed to recline, how come I always have to sit in this stupid metal chair?
72. Next year, I’m laying down the law. Adult table or nothing.
73. And a reclining chair. Good chair or bust.
74. Yeah yeah, I get it Dad. Stop staring. I’m the wicked child. We all know.
75. Ugh, no more questions.
77. WHO HAS TIME TO ASK WHY WHEN WE’RE ALL SO HUNGRY.
78. Let’s move this along, people. We’re at 90 minutes and counting.
79. Somebody get me some matzah ball soup. ANYONE.
80. Blood. [Thinks of food]
81. Frogs. [Dreams of food]
82. Lice. [Prays to the gods of food]
83. Wild animals. [Promises to go to Shabbat every week if someone will just bring out food]
84. Pestilence. [Vows to give up all vices, up to and including “SVU” marathons, if food will just appear right now]
85. Boils. [Mentally begins sketching out an altar, to be built in the home, as a tribute to all things food]
86. Hail. [Channels all remaining strength out of hope that one day, food will appear]
87. Locuts. [Promises to never take food for granted again]
88. Darkness. [Stares lovingly at a plate of gefilte fish]
89. Killing of the first born. [Drools over matzah]
90. OH MY GOD IT’S TIME FOR THE HAROSET SANDWICH.
91. Out of the way, bitches.
92. This is going to be huge.
93. Double-decker sandwich. That’s the way to go.
94. Ohhhhhhh there it is.
95. Food! Glorious food!
96. One more chorus of Dayenu and it’s brisket time.
97. Are we always this out of tune? Or is that just the Manischewitz singing at this point?
98. HERE IT IS. THE MEAL IS HERE! I’LL NEVER LEAVE YOU AGAIN, FOOD!
99. Gimme that kugel. Gimme gimme gimme.
100. Did Aunt Susan just ask me when I was going to get a “real job”?
101. OH HELL NO.
102. No, no. HOLD BACK. BREATHE.
103. Put down that knife. You have so much to live for.
104. [stares at rosemary baked potatoes, remembers why life is worth living]
105. Oh, food, you’re so good to me.
106. Does gefilte fish always taste this good? Or is this just the extreme hunger talking?
106. Also, note to self: Get 100% more brisket into your life this year.
108. Okay, almost out of here.
109. Afikomen time! That used to be fun when I was a kid.
110. No way I’m chasing the afikomen this year.
111. I’m too old for this.
112. Wait, how much is grandpa offering for the child who finds it?
113. TWENTY FIVE BUCKS???
114. [shoves relative out of the way, sprints from the table toward the book where grandpa hides the afikomen every year]