1. The other people at the restaurant are always getting seated before you.
2. If things aren’t working for you, do exactly the opposite.
3. It’s not a lie if you believe it.
4. What other people call a waste of a life, you might call living.
5. Don’t waste your time on the bottom of the muffin.
6. Don’t believe food labels. If it says it’s fat-free, it probably isn’t.
7. We live in a free society. Dip your chips however you feel.
8. Women don’t respect salad eaters.
9. If you’re feeling down, eat a mango. B12 makes everything better.
10. No one has ever accomplished the roommate switch. It can’t be done. IT CAN’T BE DONE.
11. Nobody will ever know if you’re faking it.
12. If you can’t say anything bad about a relationship, you shouldn’t say anything at all.
13. Nobody should date themselves.
14. People on dates shouldn’t even be allowed out of the home.
15. If you go on your hands and knees to scrub the tub for a significant other, you’re in love.
16. Never underestimate the importance of home-bed advantage.
17. Not all naked activities are sexy.
18. People do “yada yada” over sex. Beware.
19. Always schedule a backup alarm.
20. Holding the reservation is the most important part.
21. No matter how bad you want to, no one should drape themselves in velvet outside the home.
22. Eat enough pretzels and eventually, you WILL be thirsty.
23. Stay away from any fashion styles that involve the word “puffy.”
24. There are some smells that just follow you around forever. It’s how it is.
25. If you’ve got a great name for a kid, don’t share it with your friends.
26. Never trust a re-gifter.
27. One person’s misery is another person’s pleasure.
28. It’s easier to make a good exit than a good entrance.
29. You can only be master of your domain for so long.
30. Once you’ve gone first class, you can’t go back to coach.
31. Bad breaker-uppers never prosper, but they do get nice apartments.
32. The “leave behind” only works on a date if you can find the item when you go back.
33. Fugitive sex is better than conjugal-visit sex.
34. No one wants to come see your baby.
35. Not having sex will make you smarter.
36. When you control the mail, you control information.
37. Don’t talk about the number six with people who lipread.
38. Always avoid poppy seed muffins before a drug test.
39. Some people don’t look good in every type of lighting.
40. You will always think of the perfect comeback days later.
41. If a woman seems too nice, there must be something wrong with her.
42. People don’t just bump into each other and have sex. Life isn’t Cinemax.
43. Not everyone is sponge-worthy.
44. Zip codes are meaningless.
45. It’s not them; it’s you.
46. In an ice cream sundae, always keep the fudge on the bottom. It makes it far easier to control your fudge distribution.
47. You will never find a good piece of fruit at the supermarket.
48. You can’t break up in one push. You have to rock it back and forth, like a vending machine.
49. And you can’t be broken up with if you’ve got hand. Always have hand.
50. The vault is sacred.
51. Always end on a high note, even if it means immediately exiting the room.
52. Make-up sex has a very short grace period.
53. It’s not racist if you like the race.
54. No one likes the pop-in.
55. Whatever you do, always end with a swirl.
56. Don’t be too smitten if someone calls you “breathtaking.”
57. Never default nod to a low-talker.
58. Never try to give yourself a nickname.
59. Always wait for the second offer.
60. “Barometer” is pronounced “thermometer.”
61. Never underestimate the relationship between your mechanic and your car.
62. Proctologists have the best sense of humor, but dentists have the best jokes.
63. Some women just don’t need men. You have to respect that.
64. Freedom means having to stand on the train sometimes.
65. People are the worst.
66. Life is mostly about nothing.
67. But within that nothing, there is a whole lot of something.