This is Alexi Lalas. If you're watching the World Cup this summer, you're going to see a lot of him on ESPN.
WARNING: WHAT FOLLOWS ARE GRAPHIC IMAGES OF THE 1990s, AND MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR ANYONE WHO OCCASIONALLY LONGS FOR A BARENAKED LADIES REUNION TOUR.
1. Let's start with that hair, shall we?
2. That extremely 1990s hair — hair that flows like the river bends.
3. Can you even tell the difference between Alexi Lalas and the lead singer in the Spin Doctors? CAN YOU EVEN TELL WHICH IS WHICH??
4. And what about that beard?
5. That majestic mane of a beard.
6. With hair like that, and a beard like that — and a denim-inspired jersey like THIS — who was to stop Alexi Lalas from owning the 1990s?
7. Who was to stop him from, say, dressing as General George Custer for a photo shoot before a friendly vs. England?
8. From playing tennis too close to the net while wearing a bandana and short shorts?
9. Or from pointing to the stars and doing something TRULY BIG?
10. Like jamming with Poison?
11. Or even from joining a band and going on tour with Hootie & The Blowfish?
That's right: HOOTIE.
12. [lowers shades]
13. Are you prepared to deal with this unstoppably '90s backwards hat/sunglasses combination?
14. Or that jersey — that probably-ripped-from-an-episode-of-Guts team called the GOAL BLASTERS?
15. Can you handle this? Because it's time to face the facts: Of all the things from the 1990s, Alexi Lalas is the undisputed champion of 90's-iestness.
16. Alexi Lalas is the '90s, and we are Alexi Lalas.
17. So Alexi, put that hand down. Let us salute YOU. Long may the '90s run.
