quiz

The Awkward Sex Scene Quiz

So Awkward.

1. Guess the gender of the author of these bad* erotic fiction passages.

wikipedia

*as selected by The Literary Review in their Bad Sex In Fiction Awards; an annual ranking of the worst written erotic scenes in published novels.

  1. 1.

    “The wet friction of her, tight around him, the sight of her open, stretched around him, the cleft of her body, it tore a climax out of him with a final lunge. Like a lepidopterist mounting a tough-skinned insect with a too blunt pin he screwed himself into her.”

    1. Male
    2. Female
  2. 2.

    “He was just idly pondering the wonky pathway of spotless scalp which lies - like a seductive trickle of tropical white sand - between Jen’s scruffy, dark-rooted, peroxide-blonde ponytails, and then, as she spins back around (pinching that errant nut, fastidiously, between her finger and thumb), he ponders the voluptuous outline of her pert, nineteen-year-old breasts beneath her starchy, cream-coloured work blouse (assessing these other - rather more intimate - physical attributes with the keen yet dispassionate eyes of a man who has oft pitted his talents against the merciless dips and mounds of the Old Course at St Andrews).”

    1. Male
    2. Female
  3. 3.

    “In seconds the duke had lowered his trousers and boxers and positioned himself across a leather steamer trunk, emblazoned with the royal arms of Hohenzollern Castle. ‘Give me no quarter,’ he commanded. ‘Lay it on with all your might.”

    1. Male
    2. Female
  4. 4.

    “Fanni had told her once what to do. So Klara turned head to foot, and put her most unmentionable part down on his hard-breathing nose and mouth, and took his old battering ram into her lips.”

    1. Male
    2. Female
  5. 5.

    “Yes, more!” she cried as his tongue probed and thrust. “It’s wonderful! It’s wonderful!” He had peeled her like a kiwi fruit and she was all glistening-moist and sensitive as his unstinting tongue went deeper… He was licking a lazy pathway from her womb to her lungs to her heart, and their bloodstreams were converging into one reckless scarlet pulse.

    1. Male
    2. Female
  6. 6.

    … the fingers went under the elastic of the panties moan moan moan moan moan went Hoyt as he slithered slithered slithered slithered and caress caress caress caress went the fingers until they must be only eighths of inches from the border of her public hair - what’s that! - Her panties were so wet down… there - the fingers had definitely reached the outer stand of the field of pubic hair and would soon plunge into the wet mess that was waiting right… there-there-“

    1. Male
    2. Female
  7. 7.

    “He felt they were lacking some vital ingredient; she was only partly engaged, the building explosion of sensation that had made her unfurl like a flower, a morning glory greeting the sun, was missing. He stopped. What is it? she asked. You, he said. I’ve lost you, he whispered. She smiled, wide-eyed, lithe as a cat, she twisted her body, took his hand and showed him what to do; he felt her breath hot against his throat, her pulse quicken, limbs grow taut. He was hanging in deep green water, waves breaking against him, the clean sweep of the shore attainable in a few slow strokes. Why, she said afterwards, as he held her trembling gently in his arms, why does your God deny you this?

    1. Male
    2. Female
  8. 8.

    “He began thrusting wildly in the general direction of her chrysanthemum but missing, his paunchy frame shuddering with the effort of remaining rigid and upside down. ‘The cartel, sells, to the global market,’ he panted.”

    1. Male
    2. Female
  9. 9.

    “I find myself gripping his ears and tugging at the locks curling over them, beside myself, and a strange animal noise escapes from me as the mounting, Wagnerian crescendo overtakes me. I really do hope at this point that all the Spodders are, as requested, attending the meeting about slug clearance or whatever it is.”

    1. Male
    2. Female
  10. 10.

    “I seemed to come right away, with a hard, popping effervescence, as if her mouth had raised blisters, or an uppermost froth; but beneath, magma still heaved and groaned and was yearning to fling itself into the air.”

    1. Male
    2. Female
  11. 11.

    “Was it on the bed that she sat on him, her weasel-like loins clutching and unclutching his lovely, long, louche manhood, as though squeezing an orange for its juice? …they had exhausted all the wild beasts lurking in the forests of their flesh. “

    1. Male
    2. Female
  12. 12.

    “Flesh, that archaic kingdom that brings forth tears and terrors, nightmares, babies and bedazzlements”

    1. Male
    2. Female

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