star-wars
Music

Star Wars Characters As You’ve Never Thought About Them

What if each character was an album from the year the movie came out?

1. Star Wars (1977)

2. Luke Skywalker

Lucasfilm

A&M/Polygram

 

“Frampton Comes Alive!” by Peter Frampton
Cheezy, wants to be cooler, mastered a piece of technology that became their special weapon.

3. Han Solo

Lucasfilm

Asylum

 

“Hotel California” by the Eagles
Horny, greedy, fancies themselves irresistible to woman. Not respected by intellectuals.

4. Princess Leia

Lucasfilm

Warner Bros.

 

“Rumours” by Fleetwood Mac
Sexy but kinda sour, incestuous, long flow-y gowns.

5. Chewbacca

Lucasfilm

Epic Records

 

“Cat Scratch Fever” by Ted Nugent
Loud, hairy, and always firing a gun.

6. R2D2

Lucasfilm

Sony

 

“Out Of The Blue” by Electric Light Orchestra
Lovable, unthreatening, and full of bleepy sound effects.

7. C3PO

Lucasfilm

Columbia

 

“Introducing Sparks” by Sparks
Kinda prissy and built to sound British, rather annoying, no one’s favorite.

8. Obi-Wan Kenobi

Lucasfilm

Mercury Records

 

“A Farewell To Kings” by Rush
Distrustful of corrupt politicians, highly trained, fascinated by the balance of good and evil.

9. Stormtroopers

Lucasfilm

Kling-Klang

 

“Trans-Europe Express” by Kraftwerk
Human but robotic. Great as a team but kinda weak on their own.

10. Tusken Raiders

Lucasfilm

Virgin

 

“Never Mind The Bollocks” by The Sex Pistols
Violent, nihilistic, and extremely un-hygienic.

11. Grand Moff Tarkin

Lucasfilm

A&M

 

“Feels So Good” by Chuck Mangione
Heartless and not very hip. Enjoys causing pain.

12. Greedo

Lucasfilm

Sire

 

“Rocket To Russia” by The Ramones
Badass, doesn’t give a fuck, just doing their job, finished in under 3 minutes.

13. Jawas

Lucasfilm

Island

 

“Exodus” by Bob Marley and The Wailers
Tribal, Mysterious, Jammin’

14. Darth Vader

Lucasfilm

Warner Bros.

 

“Aja” by Steely Dan
Hated by most, yet no one can defeat them. Motives uncertain.

15. Empire Strikes Back (1980)

16. Yoda

Lucasfilm

EMI

 

“The Jazz Singer” soundtrack by Neil Diamond
Burdened by the legacy of their religion, talented but not sexy, balding.

17. Boba Fett

Lucasfilm

Warner Bros.

 

“Women And Children First” by Van Halen
Ass-kicking, couldn’t give a shit what you think, in it for the money.

18. Lando Calrissian

Lucasfilm

De-Lite

 

“Ladies’ Night” by Kool and the Gang
Smooth, getting their thing together, wears a cape sometimes, about to sell out.

19. Return of the Jedi (1983)

20. Bib Fortuna

Lucasfilm

RCA

 

“Sweet Dreams” by The Eurythmics
Intimidating, into dominance and submission, fluid sexuality.

21. Gamorrean Guard

Lucasfilm

Vertigo

 

“Pyromania” by Def Leppard
Thinks of itself as threatening but easily overpowered. Loses limbs.

22. Salacious Crumb

Lucasfilm

Slash

 

“The Violent Femmes” self-titled album
Nasal, aggressive yet twerpy. Beloved.

23. Jabba The Hutt

Lucasfilm

Reprise

 

“New York, New York: His Greatest Hits” by Frank Sinatra
In with the mob, surrounded by goons and yes-men, treats women like property.

24. The Emperor

Lucasfilm

Elektra

 

“Kill ‘Em All” by Metallica
Deadly, merciless, embraces the dark side.

25. Max Rebo

Lucasfilm

Island

 

“Swordfishtrombones” by Tom Waits
The lonesome piano, the endless nights in the cabaret, the booze and loose women.

26. Sy Snootles

Lucasfilm

Portrait

 

“She’s So Unusual” by Cyndi Lauper
Quirky girl power, so independent and yet desiring applause.

27. Sarlacc Pit

Lucasfilm

Island

 

“Koyaanisqatsi” soundtrack by Phillip Glass
Insane, terrifying, infinite patience required,

28. Ewoks

Lucasfilm

Mercury

 

“Come On Eileen’ by Dexy’s Midnight Runners
Jig-dancing, horn-playing, needs shampoo.

29. Admiral Ackbar

Lucasfilm

Warner

 

“90125” by Yes
Strategic perfection, technical mastery, owner of lonely heart.

30. Nien Nunb

Lucasfilm

Chrysalis

 

“Sports” by Huey Lewis & The News
Friendly, just wants to party, been missing since the 80’s.

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