A Cartoon Review Of "Jupiter Ascending"

    Spoiler alert...as if you were going to see it.

    Dan Meth
    by Dan Meth

    BuzzFeed Staff

    I saw the new Wachowski film "Jupiter Ascending" last weekend. Apparently not too many other people did.

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    Despite having a ginormous budget and starring some very famous actors, this movie is so under-the-radar that for the past few days I keep thinking I dreamt it. Because of this, I've had to explain it numerous times to people who haven't even heard of it. The result is I sound crazy.

    Mila Kunis plays a Russian immigrant who cleans rich people's bathrooms.

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    And she looks pretty doing it. But she hates her life and she says so numerous times. I should add that her name is Jupiter Jones, which is odd because she's Russian and her name is Jupiter Jones.

    She lives in a house with a lot of Russian relatives who act real Russian.

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    It's unclear how she's related to any of them. One cousin (?) wants her to sell her ovaries so he can buy a big TV but Jupiter wants to buy a 4,000 dollar telescope because her dead dad liked telescopes.

    So Jupiter steals the identity of a sexy woman named Kathleen whose apartment she cleans and goes to sell her ovaries.

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    It's unclear why she needs to steal Kathleen's identity to do this. But it turns out to be a bad move because all the doctors are actually little killer aliens in holographic form.

    Kathleen is never mentioned again.

    Channing Tatum saves her. He's a dog-man from space with lazer ice-skates that make him fly.

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    He catches her from falling off the Sears Tower. In the course of this movie he will save her 39 more times.

    They get chased by the killer aliens around Chicago and destroy a ton of buildings and cars but all that damage repairs itself automatically because… of… alien something.

    They go hide in a beehive-covered farmhouse where they meet Sean Bean who is a bee-man from space. His daughter is there too.

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    Sean Bean explains to Jupiter Jones that she is the reincarnation of the Queen of the Galaxy and you can tell because bees won't sting her. He explains a lot of other stuff that I won't attempt to spoil.

    His daughter is never mentioned again.

    A blue-haired anime lady comes to kill her.

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    I think she must have been on the same side as the little killer aliens. I think she dies but I can't remember.

    We meet Eddie Redmayne's character:

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    He wants to kill Jupiter Jones so he can own Earth. His more handsome brother wants to marry her. And his sister takes a bath in water made from millions of dead humans to stay looking hawt.

    Channing Tatum saves her.

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    There's a lot of weird henchmen.

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    There's also a rat-guy and many robots. Truth be told, this movie looks amazing and you can be more entertained by looking at all the weird creatures and environments than by trying to follow the story.

    The spaceships. Rad as hell. They are made of all these parts that aren't even connected!

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    Dan Meth / Via BuzzFeed

    Terry Gilliam is in it for 20 seconds.

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    Channing Tatum saves her. Many many times.

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    He keeps swooping in with his lazer ice-skates to catch her when she's falling. They go inside planet Jupiter and argue about Capitalism. The dragons go to Chicago and kidnap her Russian family. Stuff blows up. Channing Tatum saves her. Sean Bean does NOT die. And Channing Tatum "gets his wings back" like Clarence the angel in 'It's a Wonderful Life'. Because dog-men are incomplete without wings.

    And after all that, Jupiter Jones learns she should not complain about cleaning toilets.

    THE END

    There could not be a...

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    eh? Get it?

    And yet, I enjoyed it! And you might too. If you like really really expensive flops go see "Jupiter Ascending". Because, as of now, this movie is 125,000,000 million dollars in the hole.

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    And we want Hollywood to allow the Wachowskis to make more good-bad movies that we can make fun of, right? So see it!

    A previous version of this post misstated that the directors are brothers. Oops!